"In A Theoretical Sense....Yes."

One of my favorite movies is "The Fiddler on the Roof." The music is great, the poetry of the lyrics inspire me, and the unfolding of a human story helps me understand myself better. I have always loved the dynamic that develops between one particular daughter and her suitor. They are a fascinating couple to watch and we see them meet, argue, have theoretical discussions, and eventually....something happens. (I do not believe in giving the ending away to those who haven't seen the film. It's the 11th commandment given to Moses: Thou shalt not tell the ending of the story to someone who doesn't know the beginning or middle.)

My favorite scene opens with a wide lens shot of the two of them walking on a river bank alone. There is about 5 feet between them and they are talking and eventually arguing about his going away, leaving her. As they argue, they move away from the river and end up on the road. She is walking a bit faster than he and is quite a ways ahead of him. (The most fascinating thing to me about this scene is the way it was filmed, as if the viewer were a bird in a tree looking down on the road.) The couple are walking down a dirt road and there are distinct ruts made by the wagon wheels. The grass in between the ruts and on either side of the road further delineate the separateness of the wheel ruts. She is walking in one rut and he is walking in the other.

Eventually he asks her to stop and asks her if he can ask her a political question. (The camera angle changes and the viewer is standing next to the couple.) She responds, "What is it?" He responds, "The question of marriage." Disbelievingly, she queries about why he thinks marriage is a political question. He responds that everything is political and goes on to pontificate about his views on the subject. She eventually stops him and asks if he is proposing. I love his reply: "In a theoretical sense....yes." This whole scene lasts about 4 minutes; I timed it.

I am sure that by this point you are wondering why I am writing about this. As of this week, it has been 6 years since I have been on a date. I was pondering my last date, as I tend to do around this time of year, which led me to think about the differences in my social sphere now as opposed to then.

Then, I had a group of guy friends who called me "The Queen of the Apartment." I could show up whenever I wanted and watch TV, or eat a bowl of their Raisin Bran, or just do my homework. I learned so much spending time with them. I was taught how a circuit works and it was interesting. And no one ever thought my questions were ridiculous. They led to fascinating conversations. One time I even got to talk about the work I was doing and no one's eyes glazed over; it was an awesome experience! We would walk to the grocery store and talk about things or do volunteer work.

My last date wasn't even a planned thing. This guy in my apartment complex had planned a group date, got busy with midterms and forgot to ask someone out. He was telling my roommate about it and moaning about what to do because the activity was in 2 hours. I was laughing at him, which was not nice but I found his situation hilarious. This drew his attention to me and he announced that I wasn't doing anything that night. (I did have plans but FYI waiting 4 hours for a 22 minute show to download from TV Tokyo didn't count as having plans; this was before the days of online streaming 36 hours after it airs.) I didn't really have a good reason not to go out with him and it had been awhile since I had done something I thought was fun, so I went. Would you like to know what we did? We went spelunking! We left around 6PM and got home at 3AM. It was one of the funnest dates I have ever been on! He expected me to get dirty and look a bit rough because we were going to be crawling around in a hole in the ground. The best part: the whole date cost the price of one gallon of gas to get there and back plus 2 cups of hot chocolate at the Citgo gas station on the main road back to civilization.

This leads to my social sphere now. There is no apartment/house full of guys with whom I can just walk in, sit on the couch, and ask, "What are we watching?" I have a roommate I see twice a week at church activities. And the people with whom I associate on a social level don't actually want to get together and be social. A few days ago I was eating lunch with some of the younger girls in our collective group and the subject of dating and friendship came up. One of the girls remarked about how shocked she was that such a small group of people weren't closer as friends. She said she was amazed at how uninterested the guys in our group seem to be in the girls. Another girl remarked that she didn't see why the guys didn't see how perfect certain people would be together. She said that some of the girls see it and just want to walk up to certain guys and hit them on the head and tell them what to do. The other girl then remarked that she had told her parents that if she wasn't married by 40, they could arrange a marriage for her.

By now you may be wondering what the previous paragraphs have to do with each other. These three things have led me to wonder something. Do you know the story of Ruth in the Bible? You know, the one who said, "Whither thou goest, will I go." Further along in the story, after she went with Naomi back to Beth-lehem, Ruth works in the fields of Boaz gleaning the harvest that has been left on the ground. You know that stuff no one apparently wants. Well Boaz sees her doing this and wants to know who she is. When he finds out, he talks to her and treats her kindly. Naomi notices that Boaz has been extremely kind to Ruth and instructs Ruth to go to where Boaz is sleeping, uncover his feet, and lay down at his feet to sleep. This act leads to Ruth and Boaz getting married. Where did this marriage tradition go?! (not that I would ever have the guts to do this.) It might be a bit easier to do this than wait around for a guy to realize that you could be interested in him if he would ever talk to you again.

Dating doesn't necessarily have to be an elaborate, expensive thing. It could be as simple as asking someone to go grocery shopping with you. Everyone has to buy groceries, so you have that in common. Plus, you get to know how someone budgets for meals, what they eat, and you could get some recipes. Or invite someone to go for a walk with you in a park. Or, one of my personal favorites, going to the mall, sitting on a bench and watching people. It is fun! You could make up stories about the people you see based on what they are doing and who they are with. And you get to know someone as a friend.

One other thing to remember: Inviting someone to do something with you is scary! If you can't accept the invitation, or don't want to, have the decency to decline the invitation. (I have been stood up so much that I am no longer attempting to become friends with some people; it's just too much work for something that has a negative return--it's a cost/benefit thing.)

To conclude, the scene I described from "Fiddler on the Roof" ends with the man and woman leaving the dirt road, holding hands, as they walk across a field that has no discernable path in it yet. They have decided to leave the rutted path on a perpendicular course and have new adventures together. How much fun that sounds!! I would like to have new adventures with someone who didn't mind leaving the ruts with me. Because, to be frank, we are all figuratively on that dirt road, walking in the same direction but in our individual ruts. All we really want is someone to stop us and ask us a sincere question showing that they are interested in our answer, even if that question is as simple as, "How was your day?"

Some of us don't even mind that we may travel in our individual rut for awhile as long as someone is walking next to us in their rut. The trick: finding someone who wants to explore with you. Men and women aren't that different when you get down to basic wants and needs. Most of us want the same things and desire to have a best friend of the opposite sex who loves us and wants to spend eternity with us. Good luck to us all!! And remember, we could always pull a Ruth and figuratively sleep at someone's feet and hope/pray they wake up with a clue. (sigh)