Perspective

Someone yelled at me Friday. It was deserved and appreciated....later. Sometimes we need people to yell at us to begin the process of snapping out of a funk. I went to work that night and worked 40 hours in a 56 hour time frame. Sunday a friend called and needed a huge favor. I was happy to help. I got off a 16 hour shift, slept for 2 hours and spent the rest of the day taking care of two little girls ages 2 & 4. I spent all day today with them again. It was exhausting but made me feel so much better.

There's something amazing about having a child laugh and think you are wonderful because you know how to push a swing, brush hair and make chocolate milk. I blew bubbles so they could chase them around the backyard and we jumped on the trampoline. The 2 year old wanted to sit on my lap and watch TV and tell me all about everything. She was even patient with me when she repeated the same thing about 20 times and I didn't get it. She just gave me a loving look as if to say, "It's okay. Poor woman, one day you will learn how to speak my language."

I think the most difficult relationship we have to deal with is the one we have with ourselves. We can't run away from the voices in our heads that remind us of our failings, disappointments, and doubts. We do have the ability to quiet, even shut them up. But, occasionally, they gradually fade up and accentuate little things that would normally not be that big a deal.

I turned 30 last year. It was really difficult for me but not for the reasons most people have assumed. Yes, I am single and have no children. But to be perfectly honest, I'm okay with that. The things that made this particular birthday difficult had to do with my list of goals to accomplish by the time I turned 30. Due to some circumstances beyond my control and some circumstances completely in my control, I didn't accomplish any of my life-to-this-point goals. I didn't work for 6 months in India as a research assistant. I was unable to work restoring a permanent exhibit at one of the National Museums in Damascus, Syria. (Someone else did this and their name is on the exhibit instead of mine. This particular discovery was the catalyst to my feelings of low self-worth.) I have not completed my Bachelor's Degree in an area of study that is my passion and lights up my life in a way I have no words to describe. I am not teaching others about my passion as a college professor. I haven't lived in Tokyo for a year teaching English and studying Japanese architecture on site. These are seemingly little things and may not be interesting to anyone but me. But they are my dreams....and they haven't come true yet.

Yet. What an amazingly hopeful word! Yet: referring to something that will or may happen in the future. I may not get to work as a research assistant in India but one day I will hire research assistants to accompany me when I get paid to do my own research. I will never get to restore the Turkish baths over 3 years working with the Syrian government but I can go see them and rejoice that, despite my inability to do the project, it got done. I don't have my degrees in Architectural History and Preservation....YET!! But one day I will and I will get to share my excitement and enthusiasm over the beautiful things man has created to work, play, and live in a classroom on a university campus. As far as I know, Tokyo hasn't fallen into the sea or crumbled to dust in an earthquake.

I still get to dream. And I can look back on the things that have happened in my life since I was 18 and be amazed that I survived. I am an incredible person! I know that looks arrogant or sounds prideful. But if you know what I have been through, you know how hard that is for me to say. I have been scared to dream and have become my worst enemy. I jump to conclusions that only allow for the worst case scenario and have been unkind to myself and hurtful to other people in my life. I ran across this quote from Thoreau the other day:

"If one advances confidently in the direction of [her] dreams, and endeavors to live the life which [she] has imagined, [she] will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

I want unexpected success! I want things to turn out to be better than anything I could possibly ever imagine or dream of! I have a whole lifetime to accomplish my goals. Why put a time limit on them? What about the wonderfully unexpected things I did do because the things I planned didn't happen? They were better experiences to teach me than anything I could have possibly planned with my limited understanding and knowledge. If everything had gone as I planned, I would never have met any of the people who are my closest friends. That would be the true disappointment. I can't take an exhibit plaque to heaven and hope that Heavenly Father is impressed. I can take my relationships with me though and hope that He is pleased with the way I loved and treated those people.

I discovered a new band on 28 February 2011. It was an accident channel surfing at 4 AM and stopping to watch MTV--I was in shock that there were videos playing. I was impressed and wanted to hear more. I discovered a song--"Alibi"--that almost completely expressed how I feel: "I fell apart, but got back up again." They have another song, "Hurricane," that has two lines that struck a nerve and inspired some thoughts: "Would you kill to save a life? Would you kill to prove your right?"

Sometimes the life we need to save is our own and the only way we can do it is by executing the voices in our head that criticize, demean and constantly tell you how worthless you are because of what you have or haven't done. If we don't do this, you end up killing the person you could become and prove those voices right. And in the process, you end up hurting the people who love you and destroying things that are precious and fragile. What a waste that would truly be!

John F. Kennedy said, "We choose to go to the moon and do the other things, not because they are easy but, because they are hard."



Here's to getting back up again. Slainte!