The Fear of Falling

 I was born in Texas and grew up in California. Two weeks before I started high school, we moved back to Texas to live with my grandpa. I went from a ward (church congregation) where I knew everyone, had tons of friends, and was a bit of a social butterfly to a ward where there were 5 Young Women spread out over 3 different high schools. I was the only member of the church in my grade and one of two members in the whole school. And I had no clue how to make new friends. So I became that weird chick who always had her nose in a book and never talked to anyone.

The change of location was a bit exciting at first, but then I realized that all the things I loved to do were not possible in the state of Texas, living 2 blocks from Galveston Bay. The Sierra Nevada Mountains were not a short drive away and I no longer would get to go skiing every winter or spend weeks at a time in Yosemite during the Spring, Summer or Fall. The most difficult adjustment was Girl's Camp. I went from a gorgeous campground near Jackass Rock Summit to Camp Karankawa--nicknamed Camp Cranky Water because we were rained upon every year like we were living through monsoon season in Southeast Asia. 

The summer before my senior year of high school, our Stake YW President had had enough of Cranky Water and found a new campsite in DeQuincy, LA--Camp Edgewood. It is a beautiful campground and has something we had never been able to experience before: a repelling tower and a high COPES course. When I was 17, I fastened on a harness, hooked on to a rope and learned how to climb. My former Bishop (lay-minister in charge of a congregation) was my anchor and the one who taught me the belay commands. I am a bit vertically challenged (I keep saying the my body is not perfected yet and I will be 5' 9" after the Resurrection.) and I couldn't reach the first hand grip from the ground. I had to stand back and make a running leap at the wall in order to start the ascent. 

The first few feet were fairly easy, but then I got to a point where I couldn't reach any handholds no matter how I stretched up on my toes to add inches to my height. I was stuck. I looked down and told my anchor that I couldn't figure out where to go from my position. He suggested I change locations. I listened as he gave me the instructions I needed to make the lateral leap from one side of the face to the other. I took a deep breath and pushed off the wall into open air. It was exhilarating and a bit terrifying. But then I slammed back into the wall and was once again ready to continue my ascent.

After that minor adjustment, I progressed fairly quickly up the tower. But, once again, I hit another spot where I couldn't reach anything. I told my anchor that I would be making another lateral jump back to the side I had started on. I did it with no qualms about how high up I was; it was actually rather fun to make this jump. 

When I was once again secure in my position on the wall, I continued to climb. I had been climbing for about 5 minutes with no problem when I came to an inverted handhold. I had to cup the hold with my right hand, lean out from the wall, and pull up with my right hand while pushing up with my right foot so I could grab the next handhold with my left hand. I lost my grip and fell. Luckily, my anchor caught me and I was able to get back into a position on the wall. I was a bit shaken up but took a couple of deep breaths and, when I was ready, proceeded to climb. But I still had to get past that inverted handhold; there was no other way I could get to the top. I positioned myself, checked my feet, my grips, looked to where I wanted to go, pictured in my head exactly what I needed to do....and fell again. 

This time the fall happened so fast my anchor almost didn't catch me and I fell about 20 feet before the tension engaged. That was not a good feeling. I actually hung out for a few moments on the rope before I could calm down enough to get back on the wall. And then, I was shaking so badly I couldn't get a grip on anything. I no longer had any desire to get to the top of that wall. I was scared and I wanted to get down. (Plus, there were about 30 girls from my stake, a member of the stake presidency, and other leaders all at the base of the tower watching me. I seriously dislike being the center of attention and making mistakes, so this was the equivalent of that dream where you're walking down the street naked and everyone is pointing and laughing at you. EXCEPT, it wasn't a dream!) So there I was clinging to this wall, begging with my anchor to just let me repel down and lay on the ground where gravity was designed to keep me. But he wouldn't let me do it. He told me that I was so close and just needed to try one more time. Eventually, with his encouragement and the cheers of the girls pushing me on, I once again got to the inverted hold.

And I froze. I got into position but couldn't make my muscles do what my brain wanted them to do. I was convinced that I was going to fall again and, as I had already experienced that twice, I was good. I didn't need a repeat lesson. So I just hung out there, staring at the wall, trying to make my body do what it did not want to do. I hadn't moved for about 5 minutes that felt like an hour, when I asked if I could please, just repel back down. I was on the verge of tears because my anchor told me again that he would not let me do that. I was pretty sure that I was going to be on that wall until after sunset and be eaten by mosquitoes before I made it to the top or he gave in and let me come down. Then I heard a very quiet voice tell me to look up. 

I didn't do it at first, mostly because the muscles in my neck would have to release enough so that I could move my head to look up. Then the voice said it a bit louder. I looked up. The owner of the campground, the one who had designed the wall, was lying on the top of the wall with his arm outstretched towards me. His fingertips were only 36 inches from this hold I couldn't get past. I was a bit amazed! I was roughly 6 feet from the top of the tower and had no clue I was that close to my goal because all I could see in front of me was this obstacle I had come to fear. He told me not to look at where I wanted to go or at the inverted hold. He told me to just focus on his hand as I pushed up because if I could get my hand into his, he would help pull me the rest of the way to the top. As long as I had my hand in his and pushed with my feet, I would be able to complete the climb with no more setbacks. 

I did not want to do this. It took another 5 minute eternity for me to be able to get up the courage to do what he told me to do and trust that he would do his part so that I wouldn't fall again. We told my anchor what we were going to do and he added extra tension so that he could boost me as I pushed up. I actually made a bit of a vertical leap from where my feet were and my hand landed on his forearm. We locked arms and he pulled me the rest of the way up the wall and over the edge. I was so exhausted by this point that I just lay there staring up at the sky, amazed that I had done it. 

Eventually I stood up and hooked into the zip line, which was the only option for getting off the tower. I stood there for a bit and he stood behind me, waiting for me to jump. I asked if he could maybe push me off the edge, but he replied that this was something I had to do for myself. It took a bit of time but, I jumped off and got to fly! It was an awesome feeling! And something I would have never experienced if I had let my fear keep me paralyzed.