A Fairy Tale Love

A friend recently asked me for a list of books I'd read recently. I read so many books every week on lots of random topics that I had a hard time giving her a list. But, the first book that came to mind is one that has become one of my all-time favorites: Enchantment by Orson Scott Card.

It's a bit of an anti-fairy tale. It's based on the idea of who was Prince Charming before he woke up Sleeping Beauty and what happens when she wakes up. What is the first day of happily ever after really like? The book is a satire on relationships. He's from a different time and country. She's been asleep for 1,000 years. The communication issues are hilarious. There's a wicked witch, interfering townspeople who think they know better than the couple what's best for them, and an obstacle course of social behaviours to overcome.

I discovered the book by accident on my 29th birthday. I was hanging out in my favorite store and was actually intending to purchase new copies of Douglas Adams' Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, but got distracted by a book with an orange cover. (I compulsively pick up books with orange or purple colors; it's a weird personality quirk. Surprisingly, I've never read a book I didn't like whose cover was either orange or purple. Totally weird.) I was laughing so hard by the time I got to page 10, I had to buy it and take it home. I think the people around me were pleased with my decision as I laughed so hard the first time I read Ivan's reaction to being told he was going to be circumcised.

The thing I love about the book though is the frank look at how difficult we make our relationships, any relationships. Each individual is born into a family which functions as their own unique sovereignty. There is a specific dialect learned from the parents that is foreign to outsiders. The rules of behaviour and traditions are unique. If we aren't willing to learn another person's dialect and accept their behaviour as unique, we are unable to come to mutually beneficial terms. I think the trick is being humble enough to accept that another person's quirks are interesting and something that would make you a better person for having worked to learn their language.

When a man and a woman decide to take a relationship beyond friendship to romantic love there is an added element, which Card introduces through the use of nudity. The decision to love another human being without reservation or condition is to lay one's self bare before them. You allow the protective layers to come down and figuratively stand naked before them, hoping and praying that they don't laugh or kick you. This is not an easy or natural decision. We all prefer to be as confident and non-vulnerable as possible.

It isn't until both parties in the relationship are willing to stand naked before each other, accept each other's flaws and quirks, and not attack each other's vulnerabilities that love is allowed to blossom. That is true intimacy: a marriage of minds, hearts, and bodies. It is a sacred relationship and not something to be treated lightly or dissected by outside parties. There is something painfully beautiful about a man and a woman giving their hearts in to the keeping of the other person. They have to trust that the other will hold that gift sacred and treasure it as if it were their own heart. What hurts the other person hurts them and so they do everything within their power to protect the other person from hurts.

The whole book reminds me of something my dad used to say to me when I would talk to him about relationship issues or just crying that no one wanted me.

 "Marriage is so hard because the only two people who aren't related to each other in the family are the husband and wife."

They're ambassadors from foreign countries taking the best of each country to create a safe place for others to live. Sometimes they have diplomatic differences but they do their best to compromise and do what's best for their citizenry.

Life would be a lot less stressful if we each were to treat everyone we meet as if they were from a culture foreign to ours and that this culture is interesting. We are anthropologists observing, absorbing, and learning about another person so that we can understand ourselves better. It's interesting to me that some people will work hard to learn Spanish, Italian, Mandarin, etc. for career advancement but somehow the art of conversing with another human being as a person of possible interest is not given the same studious attention. Without that humility or desire to learn, we turn into hermits unwilling to leave our safe spaces thinking everyone behaves and thinks exactly as we do. Pride and arrogance cause many to lose out on unique experiences to learn and become better people.

How many encounters could have progressed to be something so much more if pride and laziness were eliminated from our actions?