Epiphany

Have you ever wondered WHY we are commanded in the scriptures to do something? Not the whole whiny 4 year-old why but the reason/principle behind something. I do all the time. I'm a very curious person. Some find it endearing and refreshing, others think I'm socially inept and annoying. It's all a matter of personal preference. I ask questions--it's who I am.

I had a unique experience recently. I asked God WHY. Why did I have to experience a certain thing? What was the purpose? What was I supposed to learn? I wasn't whiny, complaining or upset. I really wanted to know what the genius was behind the madness. The answer was immediate. Probably because my heart has been broken into so many little pieces and my ego has so many holes in it that it will never be inflated, let alone over-inflated, ever again in life.

And the answer shocked me.

Some background information.

Have you ever known someone who's public and private behaviour were so incongruent that you were left confused about who the person really was? Or their actions towards you didn't mesh with their words?

I'm the kind of person who is more interested in how a person behaves than in what they say. (I minored in Sociocultural Anthropology, after all. I didn't simply want to know the History of Art, I wanted to know WHY they felt compelled to create it in the first place.) For example, if you talk to me via telephone, email, FB, google chat, etc. I consider that to be akin to talking in person. There are so many different forms of modern communication that all of them are valid and real.

An email is the modern letter. It is addressed to a specific point of destination with a return address from a specific point of origin. It does not make up for face-to-face communication, however. As one friend put it,  modern communication methods leave you feeling "hollow." Which is why I extend invitations to people I consider friends to spend time with me in person.

When these invitations are consistently rejected and no reciprocal invitations are made, I begin to wonder why a person would talk to me at all via any form of communication. Because, to me, the face-to-face interactions are more meaningful. One has to make time for the other person and, therefore, considers the type of relationship they have as a priority making the other person feel loved, liked, and appreciated. In other words, it validates the other forms of communication. Ergo, rejections of face-to-face interactions illicit opposite emotions and leaves the other forms of communication unvalidated.

If you have met me in person, or know me really well, you know that I am a person who genuinely loves the people I call friend. And my actions are consistent with the things I say. I will show up at your house to help you scrub it from top to bottom when you are moving. I will read your research papers and give you a peer review. If you get married, I send you a wedding present and try to attend your wedding reception. I will watch your kids. I will pick up the phone in the middle of the night and listen to you when you need to talk. I am a real-life person.

I had a friend whom I loved and cared about a great deal. That love and caring was not returned in any way that I could recognize as a sign of basic human affection. Because this person consistently rejected my invitations to spend time face-to-face and rarely acknowledged my existence in public, I was constantly left in a state of confusion because our private interactions were very different. I recently was told by this person that our communications were carefully fabricated so that specific emotions were hidden or conveyed and that it was assumed I was doing the same thing. Something occurred that betrayed my confidences and ultimately destroyed my ability to trust this person.

I asked God WHY I had to experience this. Why do we have to go through experiences where we love others and desire to communicate with them and spend time with them only to have it thrown back in our face? How can a person not believe that you are REAL and exist simply because they refuse to see you when you're standing in the same room as them?

The Answer I was given:

Now you know what it is like for me, as your Heavenly Father, when my children refuse to pray. You now know what it is like to love someone despite their flaws, imperfections, and inability to love you back. You now know precisely what it feels like when someone refuses to acknowledge your existence. You now know what it feels like to have people you called 'friend' betray your confidence and trust. You now know what it feels like when someone you love repeatedly makes excuses not to spend time with you. You now know what it feels like to continue to love someone whose actions convey the message that they despise you. You know what it is to have compassion and pity for someone you see throwing away opportunities for blessings. Because of this unique experience, you know what it is to weep for someone else simply because they are incapable of humility and because they are allowed the ability to make their own choices.

My heart is broken and my sense of self-esteem lies in tatters. But there is a peace in my life because I have learned one of the hardest things I have ever learned in my life and, for me, there was no other way I could have learned this:

Prayers are a commandment because our Father in Heaven yearns to talk with us.

He loves us and wants us to love Him back. He makes time for us; His schedule is never too busy because we are His number one priority. We hurt Him in ways we cannot comprehend when we deny ourselves those moments of precious face-to-face interaction when we literally commune with Him. He loves us. He cares about us, about what is going on in our lives, and wants us to talk to Him about anything and everything because we are important to Him. We slowly break His heart when we consistently ignore Him, refuse to talk to Him, or are too busy to spend time with Him.

But He is perfect and forgives our flaws and imperfections much more easily than we in our imperfect state forgive each other. For, despite my imperfections, hateful actions, and rejections of His friendship, He still answers my prayers and questions with immediacy because He loves me without condition, artifice, or reservation.

I am grateful for trials. They are teaching me how to become like my Father in Heaven. They teach me how miraculous the Atonement of Jesus Christ truly is. But, at the same time, these lessons break my heart and my spirit. I hope all of you who read this have a marvelous day and are able to learn from the mistakes and experiences of another imperfect person sharing this planet with you. Your Heavenly Father loves you and wants to talk to you. When was the last time you talked with the only perfect best friend you have?