An Explanation of 'Statistics'

My really good friend Jen--who’s known me for almost 6 years--pointed out in her comment on the post “Statistics” that “you don’t give yourself enough credit for how awesome you are.”  She also said “there are 2 main things guys look for in a woman....They look for a woman who 1) feels good about herself and 2) makes him feel good about himself.”

I do think I’m pretty awesome, interesting, beautiful, intelligent, and worth getting to know. I would not write this blog if I didn’t have a tiny ego trip in knowing people take time out of their schedule to read what I think about something. It gives me a teeny boost and makes me feel like I have a positive influence in the world. When I get your comments back, I don’t feel as if I was just a collection of cells taking up space and oxygen on the planet; I matter to someone, even if they're a stranger.

There are a few things that have happened to me since I moved to the community where I currently reside that have caused my self esteem to take a nose dive.

People who know me and have spent time with me know that I am completely comfortable in my own skin on my own. Since 2006, I have chosen to go to the movies alone, go out to eat alone, attend functions that I love alone. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to attend with someone else, but I honestly don’t need another person with me to make something I enjoy more enjoyable. I’m comfortable in my own skin and always have been independent. (If you really want to know how independent, my mother will gladly tell you.) Yes, I do enjoy the company of others, but if I extend a personal invitation to you to spend time with me it’s because I want to know what you think, feel, or are interested in. I invite you to spend time with me because I think YOU are interesting. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t waste my time or yours because time is valuable and precious.

When I moved to my current location, I was me and was proud of who I am. We went around the room one time at FHE, telling each other what we had done that day. I happily announced that it had been my day off so I took myself out to lunch and a movie. Someone yelled out that I was their hero because they would like to be brave enough to do something like that but have never been able to do it. I then moved out of the home of one of my best friend’s parents and into a house with a woman I met at church who was looking for a roommate. She was a stranger to me and I moved in because the rent was something I could afford.

Over the course of a year living with her, I learned some very interesting things.

When someone seriously dislikes themselves they constantly and consistently put down others around them in order to feel better about themselves. If they can drag someone else down, it somehow makes them feel superior and better about their own choices and decisions in life.

Over time, no matter how one feels about themselves they can only handle being told they are worthless for so long before it has a negative affect on their life.

This woman hated herself and her life so much that she became very abusive towards me. On an average day I would hear things like this,

”You’re such a book of useless knowledge.”

“I would so prefer to live alone, except than I would be lonely.”

“You shouldn’t speak in public. Every time you open your mouth you embarrass yourself.”

“That man would never be interested in you because you’re not interesting. Everything you like is boring.”

After 10 months, I had enough, put everything I owned in storage, and moved out. But it is difficult to find apartments where I live and so I moved in with a family in my stake. I lived with them for a few months and then moved into the home of another couple for the remainder of 2010. I had some job setbacks and was extremely appreciative that they let me stay with them while I got back on my feet and saved up enough money to move into the apartment I currently live in.

While all of this was going on, I slowly developed a friendship with a man that I greatly respect and admire. He was fun to talk to and we didn’t pull punches when having discussions about the gospel, politics, adventure travels, my educational pursuits, personal decisions, etc. At the same time that I moved out of the house I was renting and having a financial tailspin, he got transferred for work. We maintained our private correspondence while he traveled all over the world and I stayed where I am gaining new job skills and financial independence. We enjoyed one another’s correspondence. He’s probably the best pen pal I have ever had. And that’s all it was for both of us.

But there were other people around us who thought that they had privileged information to what was actually occurring between us. I was constantly told by people who knew we were friends that he was leading me on, just playing with me, tolerating my correspondence because he was just being nice. He happened to be out of the country during the tsunami last year and it scared me because I didn’t know where he was in Asia at the time. On Facebook and in church the Sunday after, I had people ask me if I knew where he was and if he was okay and not harmed in any way. I had no problem telling them that I had heard from him and he was fine and unaffected.

I guess I shouldn’t have even said anything or maybe I should have hidden our friendship a little bit better. I had one girl who lived near me run into him and come home and tell me all about how he treated her and how he never once asked how I was doing. (Personally, I don’t know why he would’ve asked her how I was doing since he and I corresponded on a regular basis and he knew more about what was going on in my life than she ever did.) Anyway, there were several people who would read into random status updates on FB and ask me generalized questions about dating or marriage. One of them believed he and I had broken up because of an April Fool’s joke that had nothing to do with him at all. I would answer back in general terms and never said anything about he and I getting married, dating, or having babies, but that’s where their brains went. Unbeknownst to me, there was a lot of discussion going on behind my back about my sanity and mental stability where his friendship with me was concerned. I found out later people actually thought I was wasting my time waiting for him to come back here and marry me instead of working to pay bills, finish school, live my life.

In May 2011, I uncharacteristically went over to the aforementioned girl’s house to see how she had done on her finals and the papers I had edited for her. I ended up watching a bit of TV before leaving. As I was leaving, she stopped me and told me that she had called my friend on the phone. She was “concerned” about me and had asked him to define his relationship with me because she thought our friendship was having a negative impact on my mental health. Now, let me digress for a moment and tell you that she and the other people she had talked with who were also so concerned about me never once picked up the phone or stopped by my house to express their concern for me to my face or ask me what was going on in my life.

I was shocked by what she had done, tried to play it off, and leave. As I was opening the door to walk out, she pushed it closed and locked me in, explaining that there was more she felt she needed to tell me. What followed was a 2 hour intervention where I was told the details of her conversation with my friend. Now regardless of whether or not he said the things she said he said, no one who professes to love you and be your friend should ever say the following things to you,

“He thinks you’re obsessed with him and so do the following people.”

“He would prefer that you don’t talk to him because he sees you as an obligation instead of a really good friend.”

“He thinks you’re pathetic.”

“He’s not interested in you and thinks you need to go in for counseling.”

“You’re delusional and a bit psychotic. We can find you psychiatric help.”

“He thinks you’re incredibly immature and embarrassing.”

“He doesn’t want you to contact him anymore and asked me to tell you to leave him alone.”

“He can’t understand how a 30 year old woman can behave the way you do.”

I was so hurt, embarrassed, and angry by what had just happened, I had one of those moments where my self-control became non-existent. I was so shocked that he had even talked to her about me behind my back, I sent one of those texts your regret the moment you hit send. I told him that I had just had an interesting talk with her and since he found my friendship so disgusting to please erase all my letters and never contact me again. When she finally unlocked her front door and let me leave, she hugged me, told me how much she loved me, and that it was his loss for throwing me away. I spent a week talking to people who saw me in real life deciphering the truth from the lies she had told me. Then I wrote him a letter explaining what had happened on my end and apologizing for anything he found offensive. He never responded and I lost someone I considered to be one of my closest friends and someone I could trust. 

The catalyst for her calling him was a humorous story I related to her and another girl I was acquainted with when I took dinner to the other girl because she had severely injured her back. Talk about doing the right thing at the wrong time.

At the same time all of this was going on, I was helping a dear friend who was going through a horrific divorce from an abusive marriage by caring for her 2 traumatized children on top of the full-time and part-time jobs I work. I couldn’t tell people what I was doing or why I was exhausted all the time or looked sad and depressed when they saw me. And we had some family stuff that was going on that was quite hurtful to me. And I was struggling with the decision to put my Art History degree plans on hold and take the educational detour through the Nursing program. It was the most difficult decision of my life.

Since all of this happened, every time I have talked to a guy or thought about making new friends with anyone, I hear in my head, 

“He’s not interested in you because you’re not interesting.”

“You’re such an embarrassment to yourself.”

“He thinks you’re pathetic, immature, obsessed with him, and he can’t understand how a 30 year old woman can behave the way you do.”

It has literally thrown me into a tailspin. I have counseled with people I trust and for the most part, have moved on from all this crap. But there are days that are good and days that are really bad. For me, those demeaning things that people have said to me are like a cancer in my sense of self worth. I know that they’re not true but they pop up in those times when I am trying to be social. I actually have to psych myself up even more than normal to even act like I’m having a good time in a crowd of people. Right now, I’m faking it until I make it a reality. I feel like I’m back in junior high again and it’s a bit awful.

I really wish I lived closer to my friends. You are all such a huge strength to me and I know that you love me and are cheering for me to succeed like Jen said in her comment. Sometimes it’s hard to remember how much you are loved when the people you want to hang out with aren’t easily accessible. Having a good support system does matter. I did a lot better when I lived closer to my friends and got phone calls to go hang out or someone just stopped by to eat dinner. I miss that a lot and some times the loneliness and negative people who have been in my life really can become overwhelming. 

It’s also difficult to live with regret for a knee jerk reaction because I miss my pen pal and his friendship more than I ever thought I would. There’s some grief associated with that because something will happen or I’ll have a thought about something and want to ask him his opinion and I can’t. But of course, it’s his loss, right? Because I’m an intelligent, beautiful, amazing, interesting woman who occasionally loses her temper in a big way. 

It’s hard to forgive yourself for doing something out of anger that another person found to be hateful. And public humiliation because of gossipy women and the silence of a person I love is really difficult to bounce back from. Especially when you live near and see the people involved on a regular basis. One day I’ll see my friend’s name on the Seven Summits list and get to cheer from my tiny corner of the world because  someone I love and cheered to succeed achieved one of his life goals. Hopefully by then I will have regained my confidence and I will have met people who think I’m fabulous and tell me that they consider me a really good friend. People really need the commendations to counteract all the criticisms people throw at them. And maybe my skin will also be thicker than it is so that the rejections and negative words don’t wound as badly.