Adapt or Die

With General Conference approaching March 31-April 1, I have been thinking about some talks given in the April 2011 conference and subsequent discussions with friends regarding said talks. These thoughts were partially triggered by someone asking me 3 weeks ago if I was ready to give up on school yet and partially triggered by the fact that I made the decision to relocate sooner than I had originally anticipated. Both things were unexpected and unplanned for, but the decision to move has left me with a deep sense of contentment despite my general dislike of change and chaos. The other left me stunned and triggered my fight or flight response, which I strongly suppressed as I have no ability to make publicly emotional demonstrative actions or speeches. Had I not been so stunned that this person was actually talking to me at all, I would have actually said what I was thinking:

"Give up and do what?"

I've been thinking a lot about Elder Oaks' talk "Desire." He points out that the things we want most are the things for which we are willing to sacrifice. He uses the story of Aron Ralston to illustrate that point. Sometimes, I think, like Aron, we don't truly know what we want or what we are willing to do for it until the moment comes when we realize it could be taken from us permanently. Elder Oaks also points out that sometimes we have our priorities skewed a bit when it comes to reconciling what is best for us and what the Lord wants with the things we feel are best and what we want.

"Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. The desires we act on determine our changing, achieving, and our becoming." (Oaks)

I remember when I was a teenager being asked what I planned to do after high school. Without fail, I always said I would go to college and earn a degree. It was never something I did not desire to do. It is such a strong desire that 13 years after the first semester of college, I am still pursuing that goal. My highest priority in life has always been gaining an education that will allow me the freedom to be financially independent  in a profession that I enjoy. I have earned 100 college hours and simply need to finish the requirements necessary to become a surgical nurse in the next 2 years to accomplish that goal. And then, I plan to renew my BA studies in Art History, pursue a Master's and PhD after that.

As a teenager, I also wanted to get married and have 10 kids. But, I wanted to marry Captain Moroni Indiana Jones, go on archaeological digs during the summer, and leave my kids with their grandparents for 2-3 months, at least until they were old enough to tag along. I like children but I really like that I can give them back to their rightful owners. I'm absolutely certain I would love my own children and handle the whole parenting thing fairly well, but I have no control over when I will meet their father or whether they will ever grace my home with their presence. So I continue to improve myself and go to school.

This brings me to the next part of Elder Oaks' talk: "Readjusting our desires to give highest priority to the things of eternity is not easy." I think the last time I talked to Heavenly Father about dating and marriage was in 2009. It's a difficult thing for me to discuss with anyone outside the abstract and I wonder if the reason I don't talk to Him about it is because it's not something I desire that much. In the past few months, I have had a lot of down time and have seriously started thinking about what I want in life. I think in a way I've been hiding where I live, stuck in survival mode, and have forgotten that I can think about what I want beyond tomorrow.

A friend and I discussed this talk last May because the end of the talk Elder Oaks states that all men and women--married and single--should desire and work to secure an eternal marriage. "Those who are single should desire a temple marriage and exert priority efforts to obtain it," he said. He also points out that both single men and women are frustrated over the seeming lack of priority they see in others towards fulfilling the desire of marriage. My friend and I discussed this at length because we've been in the dating game now for half our lives and have yet to find someone to marry.

He explained that, as a man who asks women out on a regular basis actively seeking a spouse, it is very frustrating to find out that all the woman wants is to have a good time. There seems to be no strong desire to settle down or permanently pair off. I expressed my frustration with men who don't ask me out because they see me going to school, working long hours to support myself, and think that I am not interested in families. When, in reality, I'm not sitting at home waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be willing to adjust my plans should someone want to be my best friend and husband.

I have no control over when or if someone should desire that of me. So I continue to go to school, work hard, and learn as much as I can so that I can be content with the blessings I have been given in my life. Personally, my desire for marriage has begun to freeze due to battle fatigue. There are certain desires that we put on the back burner because they are temporarily out of our reach, but not because we don't want them. I have had to adapt over and over to my personal circumstances. Were I to give up, there is nothing else I can do to support myself. If I were to give up my desire for an education in favor of my desire to be a wife and mother tomorrow, I would be homeless and still alone. So my priority has to be towards what is best for me. At this stage in my life, giving up on the desire for an education, college degree, and meaningful career is not an option.

"Give up and do what?"