I guess it's freeing when someone tells you exactly what they think of you and you choose to let them got rather than be a negative influence in their life. I never wish to be someone who makes another person feel like they are trash. It hurts to know exactly what they think of you but I'd rather they didn't have me in their life than cause further pain.
The treatment was not intentional on my part and I wish that I had known sooner how this person really felt. I would not have burdened them with any aspect of my life or wasted energy and effort trying so hard to understand why this person didn't appear to like me. All the one-sided conversations and questions answered with silence make much more sense now.
It doesn't make the hurt go away. To be told that you have no sense of compassion and just add to their burdens and stresses is a knife going into the gut. But, I guess when you hit bottom it can help someone else feel better to kick you when you're hurting. To be turned away from someone who you thought should have been able to give counsel and comfort by hateful words of "you should've known this would happen in your life." "You're irresponsible and ungrateful for everything I've ever done for you." "You deserve what has happened to you because you made poor choices and need to learn your lesson."
It's better to make a clean break than further hurt one another in a relationship that hasn't worked in years. Now I'm just left with financial debt to that person and a knowledge that I will never have been able to do enough to be enough. Nothing I will ever be or do will be praise-worthy or something to be proud of. And now I'm left with tears and trying not to be envious of others and their ability to have relationships in their life that are fulfilling and uplifting.
Today, I apologized to this person, filed for unemployment, and decided to never burden others with my personal problems again. I guess this is what being an adult is supposed to feel like; some type of cathartic release that cleanses with the saline that won't stop leaking from my eyes.
