Diagnosis

I was able to get in and see a psychologist Wednesday. After answering questions and talking a bit about things that have happened in my life recently, I was told I have all the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder along with depression. It's amazing how being stalked for 6 weeks and systematically having your apartment entered by someone with a key and robbed more than once in that 6 week period can affect your life 9 months later. Or how a physical assault from 4 years ago can still haunt your nightmares.

I thought I was doing really well. I have an awesome job that I love but when the panic attacks started happening a week ago I didn't get it. I'm an adult woman who knows how to unlock my front door, walk outside, lock the door, and go to work. But it's amazing how impossible doing that feels right now. What triggered all this? Two armed robberies in my apartment complex in the past 2.5 weeks. Just getting the notices that someone else was robbed, and robbed by someone who threatened them with a weapon, has sent me into a very dark place that I don't recognize.

In talking with the counselor, I realized how scared I am to have a discernible routine. I don't want anyone to know when I leave for work and come home and on what days, etc. This has disrupted something in my brain because I thrive on routine and schedules. I haven't been to the Museum of Fine Art Houston, even on the free days or to attend a lecture, since last September. I used to drive 3 hours round trip twice a month for those. It was inked in on my calendar 6 months in advance to attend specific exhibits and lectures. I haven't attended the Symphony. I haven't physically gone to the library to check out a book. It's difficult to go to church on Sunday. None of my normal routine. The counselor told me that slowly over time my brain was reacting to the trauma and it took this impetus to force me to stop and acknowledge what had happened.

Since I have no desire to take drugs unless it's absolutely necessary, one of my goals right now is learning how to cope with the anxiety and crippling panic attacks so that I can get my life back. Never before in my life have I been afraid to be outside my apartment. It doesn't really have to do with feeling unsafe outside but rather the thought that once again my little piece of sanctuary could be violated while I'm gone terrifies me. I feel this bizarre need to babysit my home; to protect it from those who would come in where they haven't been invited. In a way, my personal sanctum sanctorum was raped and I don't want it to happen again.

I've taken steps to set up a personal security system--which is not as easy as it should be simply because I live in apartments instead of a single-family home. The fact that I have done something to protect my home has alleviated some of the stress but I still have a hard time at random times. I'm hyper-aware of things. Little noises make me jump. My sister was Skyping with me recently and kept telling me to relax because I would jump at every little noise. Tonight, I was tired and got in bed to sleep around 9:30. I was relaxed and almost asleep when someone upstairs slammed their front door and another person honked their car horn. Been wide awake ever since even after taking a prescription sleeping pill.

I'm hoping to learn some of these coping strategies so that I can re-learn how to relax and remind myself that everything is okay. Not all people behave the way those other people did. People are basically good and can be trusted. I'm praying it works because living like this is not something I am handling well. I've missed work a couple of times because I couldn't make myself unlock the door which I find highly embarrassing. I don't like being late or calling in sick or doing things that are unscheduled. Thankfully my boss has been understanding...so far. Right now I'd just be really happy if I could go back to the wonderful sleep schedule I had achieved prior to 14 June. I've been sleeping with Herman the Hammer again; he's more comforting than a Teddy bear. Wish he could stand sentinel at my front door....