I Pay Taxes Ergo I Am An Adult

First, a personal story...

Provo, Utah
President's Day Weekend AKA BYU's Spring Break
February 2004

"Hi Dad! How are you?"

"Fine. What's up? It's Thursday and you usually call on Sunday."

"Nothing. I'm just going out of town this weekend with some friends and won't be back until Monday night late. Wanted to call and let you know so you wouldn't worry if you called Sunday and I wasn't here," I explained.

"Where are you going and who with?" he asked.

"Dustin, Stephen, and another girl and I are going camping down near Moab. We wanted to get away and she has to do a project for her geology class."

"Emily, you're going camping with two boys and another girl? Do you think this is a good idea?" he patiently asked.

"Yes, I think it's a good idea. We've got two tents and all the equipment ready to go. We're leaving in the morning. Why?"

"Your mother wants to talk to you."

"Hi, sweetie. Don't you think this is a bad idea? It doesn't look right," my mom kindly said.

"What exactly are you implying?" I asked.

"Well, what do you think I'm implying?" she asked.

"Gee, Mom, I have no clue what you are talking about. Why don't you spell it out for me?" I sarcastically responded.

"There's no need to take that tone with me, young lady. I just said I think this is a bad idea and that it won't look right if other people find out two single men and two single women went camping together over 300 miles away from home for four days. That's all. Think about it."

"I don't think I like what you're implying. Are you accusing me of doing something?"

"No, I trust you but other people can put pressure on you to do things and, you know, things can happen that you don't plan. I trust you to do the right thing but I don't know your friends and I don't trust them," she elaborated.

I was beginning to feel dirty and incredibly uncomfortable. My mother, whom I had called out of politeness to let her know I would be out of town for our regular weekly phone call, was accusing me of plotting to go off and participate in some type of orgy with my friends. I was a bit stunned. Also, I was 23 and had (still have) no desire to participate in an orgy or experience sex for the first time in a tent on the ground in Canyonlands National Park.

"I don't exactly like what you're insinuating, especially since you're making it sound like the four of us have plotted to go off and have sex for the weekend instead of hike around collecting dirt samples. If I wanted to go off and have sex there are some really nice hotels with beds in them right here in town. It might actually be cheaper than gas, food, and park entry fees at that."

"Emily (my middle name), don't be so flippant! This is not a good idea and I forbid you to go! You should have an adult chaperone."

"Thank you for your concern. I will take it under advisement." And I hung up.

10 minutes later....

"Hi, Emily!" Brother #1 called me on the phone.

"Hi," I responded warily. "What do you want?"

"Mom and Dad said you're planning on going camping. What's the worst thing that could happen on this trip?"

"We get a flat tire," I replied, because, in all honesty, that truly was the worst thing that could've happened.

"You can't be that naïve or stupid," he remarked.

"Actually, I can! I know these people. None of us are dating each other. No one has spoken to anyone else about the possibility of sex. In fact, up until you, Mom, and Dad brought up the subject, it never even occurred to me that sex was a possibility! I wasn't planning on engaging in any activity that would lead to sex! I've never even kissed a man, for crying out loud! Why would you all assume that THAT is what I wanted to do this weekend?? You know me!" I was livid and feeling like scum that had been scraped off the bottom of someone's shoe.

"Well, I trust that you know the right thing to do. Plus, Mom and Dad don't really want you to go. They said they have a bad feeling."

"They have a bad feeling because their minds are in the gutter. I need to go. Dustin will be home from class in 20 minutes and I want to watch 'Angel' and 'Smallville.' Bye." I hung up the phone.

I didn't go on that trip. I felt so dirty after talking to my family that I couldn't even go hang out with my friends that night. When I called Dustin and told him what had happened, his response was that the worst thing that could happen is we hit a squirrel or land the car in a ditch. Neither one of us had even thought sex was a possibility. He knew me well enough to know that I was embarrassed. He was angry on my behalf because someone else had made me feel unworthy or as if I had already sinned when there wasn't even intent in my heart to do so. He brought me chocolate chip cookies later that night and tried to talk me into going anyway since he knew I needed a vacation. But, I was ashamed about something I hadn't even done.

Now, why I related that...

My wonderful friends Brian and Jen told me about the article linked at the bottom of this post. We've known each other since 2006 when we were all single. (Brian and Jen have since married each other.) Brian and Jen and I were talking on Skype the other night about attitudes people seem to have towards those of our age group regarding marriage. As in it should be like picking out canteloupe--just sniff for the right smell and take it home, danggit! The article is one reason why some are not getting married. My example is another reason. This is also a reason there are many older singles who no longer attend church.

When you spend the majority of your time in a professional atmosphere where you are treated like a person capable of handling responsibilities, it is very difficult to then attend church and have people treat you as they would an adolescent. Or ask you why you aren't married. Or not speak to you at all because you are an inferior class. The superiority thing happens more when I'm around women who got married at 19-22 and are usually at least 5-10 years younger than myself. Because we all know a band of gold makes you a whole person and better than others. (excuse me while I roll my eyes.) It is difficult to make friends, feel included and valued when others treat you as though you are less, when in fact, for the most part, I have more and different experiences.

My above story happened when I was 23. I had served a mission, attended 3 years of college, been named executrix of my parents estate, been in the workforce for 7 years already, etc but my family didn't think I was responsible enough to make informed decisions about my own body and sexuality. (Regardless of religion, were I not Mormon, I still wouldn't have sex with anyone outside of marriage. I don't care how good everyone tells me it feels or that it would cure my insomnia/anxiety issues, I couldn't be intimate with a man who wasn't going to be there for the next 75+ years. I'm the type of person who needs the commitment and the piece of paper.) In short, to them I was still a child who needed to be taught the difference between right and wrong. Since I didn't agree with them, I was shamed into agreement by their insinuations. I still have mild hang-ups about being alone with a man because of this incident.

Since I've never been married and have lived a lot of different places I have had a lot of different experiences. I've worked in leadership positions, studied many things in university lecture halls, interacted with people from all over the world, and been able to gain perspectives I have needed to be a better person. I also know how to establish a budget, plan fantastic vacations on a shoestring, keep house, cook, change a flat tire, et cetera. But to many people I have met, because I have failed to make a man fall in love with me and marry me, I am incompetent and treated accordingly. It doesn't matter what I have accomplished in life because I have never gone through the rite of passage of a wedding reception to mark me as an adult. And as a Thirtysomething single woman that attitude and treatment is difficult to swallow.

My best friend's cousin pointed out when we were discussing the article below that paternalism and infantilism are two sides of the same coin; you can't have one without the other. Having experienced both the paternalism and the infantile behaviour of other singles in the past 4 years, I have to agree. Expectations are met and exceeded when expectations are set. When you expect adults to act like children and babysit them, they will shun responsibility and continue in adolescent patterns. Or, as in my case, they will distance themselves from those who make them feel as if they are less and gravitate towards those who have similar goals and ideals.

As I told Brian and Jen, I have met more attractive, responsible men who were attracted to me and expressed an interest in dating me who were not Mormon than I ever have from men of my own faith whom I thought would want to get to know me better. The decision to remain merely friends with those men who have wanted something deeper than friendship has been a difficult one. But, I have made choices about what I want for my life and for my future children and marriage and family where religious views aren't the same is not something I want. Marriage is hard enough without religion dividing the couple from the beginning.

I agree with the man who wrote the article and am proud to say I'm probably an old curmudgeon as well. I'm Thirtysomething years old and expect others over the age of 21 to behave like responsible adults and treat me as one as well. I've quietly stood up for myself in the past few years but feel more and more disconnected at church. Not from the doctrine, but from the people.


Modern Mormon Men: The Infantilisation of Young Single Adults