Self-Talk & Signs

Sarra asked me to keep posting how I'm doing so here's an update.

I went to a different counselor last week. The first one refused to give me a generic note for work saying that I'd been seen in the office. The full evaluation and recommendation for psychiatric treatment was offered to give to my boss, however. I politely declined and called my Employment Assistance Program and informed them what had happened--which goes against protocol and ethics, by the way. They quickly got me in touch with a new counselor but I spent a very long weekend concerned I might be certifiably crazy. Which caused more anxiety and crippled any progress I had made that week.

When I went to see the new counselor we got along much better. I told him/her what was going on, what the other counselor had suggested, and was informed that if there was a pill to fix what was going on inside my head someone would be a billionaire. Medication was not the recommended treatment, thank you very much. I was given homework and told exactly what to do for me to get myself out of the house. I was also given a generic "doctor's" note to give to my boss.

The homework worked and I was able to go back to the hospital Friday. Saturday I didn't make it but I'm not sure how to deal with my issues when there is someone having a domestic issue outside my door. NO amount of looking at my morning To Do list and telling myself in the mirror to get the hell out of the house was going to make me open that door. Kinda ruined my sleep for the weekend as well. I don't handle yelling of any kind well anymore. Raised voices trigger my flight response. I can't hear what's being said, I just know I don't want to be there.

My biggest challenge is reminding myself that I am letting myself down and that I deserve better in life than this subsistence. I'm still dealing with anger issues. Little things thoroughly irk me. For example, steady hits from a reader in Japan in the past 12 weeks. And I know that it's irrational that I should be that angry every time a hit comes in from one specific country, but I am. You have no idea how many times my sister has talked me out of making the blog private because of this.

I'm also learning how to tell other people no when before I would have said yes even if the situation was a huge imposition and another example of someone using me. I've weeded out my contact lists like I would my clothes closet. I recently came across a question you should ask yourself when weeding out the closet and it has worked for the "friends" thing as well. "If I were in a store today would I buy this?" If a contact hadn't initiated contact with me in the last year or if I hadn't heard from a contact via an email, phone call, or some other means, I deleted them from the list. Some were also cut if they constantly rejected invitations to spend time with me in person. I weeded out Facebook to only the people I have met in person and with whom I have spoken.

I just decided I had enough people in my life who treat me like trash without choosing to let them stay. It was sobering to see the names of some and realize that they loved when you watched their kids or helped clean their house but a movie was just too much. The moment that triggered this decision was a "friend" asking if she could give her online dating likes but not loves my email address. She felt I needed a boyfriend more than I needed my actual friend and her discards were kindly tossed my way. Believe me it's difficult enough to deal with the reality that no man in my entire life has ever wanted to be romantically involved with me without someone saying, "I liked this person a lot but am not interested in dating him so you should do the long-distance thing with someone who wanted me first." I'm no one's consolation prize.

Overall, I am doing better. Crying a bit more than usual but there are a lot of feelings that have been shoved aside coming out because of all of this, so the crying is apparently a good thing. My counselor encouraged me to write a book about my life. I didn't mention that I write this about my life. That's the third or fourth person who has thought it would be a good idea for me to write my autobiography. I don't think it would be of interest to anyone and no one would believe half the stuff anyway. Church attendance is still not happening and might not happen for a while.

Now I need to work up the nerve to make it to the plasma donation center sometime in the next bit so I can put gas in my car. That looks like a goal for tomorrow when I've had more than 3 hours of sleep.