A little over a year ago I was moving a patient from one unit to another and for the first time someone actually described how I feel about certain things. The patient asked if we could swing by a bar so a drink could be procured and I responded that the only way we would be doing that was if I could a get a tall cold glass of chocolate milk. This, of course, made the patient laugh but led into a rather personal conversation. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind talking about pretty much anything especially when the other person comprehends my point of view.
The patient was a bit stunned that I have never had a drink of alcohol. I then went on to explain that not only have I never had an alcoholic beverage but I have never done drugs. As this seemed to be 2 out the 3 recreational activities the patient enjoyed, I was then asked if I at least went home to a boyfriend or husband to enjoy sex to relieve stress or something. I really laughed at this one and the patient's family member walking with us was appalled that the question was asked. I explained that I was not married and had never engaged in sexual activities due to that fact. This led to the interesting part of the conversation.
The patient than told me how sincerely awful the thought was that I didn't have anyone to hold me when I got home from work. I wasn't being hit on by the patient but the patient was shocked that a woman whom he said was quite pretty could be so completely without any intimate companionship. Everyone has a right to be loved, held, and allowed to take off their armor around another person who will protect them from time to time.
That was an epiphany for me. Up until that moment it had never occurred to me that the one thing I try so desperately to be content without is someone to come home to every night; to talk about my day with; to have a shoulder to cry on when everything is just too much; to not judge when I fall apart; to make me laugh when I need it; to just hold my hand while driving in the car to the grocery store. Those are the things this patient was talking about. It's not about sex. I've gone 33 years without sex being a part of my life. It's about lying on the couch in your pajamas watching TV with someone who wants to be there with you.
I recently had my first crying jag at work. It had been a really bad day. I kept it together really well until I was helping two of the nurses with a patient and they were talking about their plans to go out with their husbands that night. I had nothing to add to the conversation and it took every last bit of emotional strength I had to not burst into tears in front of them. Unfortunately, someone said something to me 10 minutes later that forced me into the bathroom so I could cry in private.
I thought I hid it pretty well but one of the other nurses caught me with red eyes a little while later and didn't believe me when I said I was just tired. According to her mama it is better to let it out than hold it in so I told her why I had been crying. How hard the day had been, then listening to those nurses talk about going home to their husbands, and that I had no one and nothing to go home to. She gave me a big hug, handed me a kleenex, and said that God has a plan for everyone. One day someone wonderful would recognize how special I am and everything will change.
On good days I totally believe that but, during the holidays especially, it is really hard to remember. This year has been really, really difficult and tonight I sincerely just want someone to hold me while I cry over something as silly as the pharmacy being closed when I went to pick up my prescriptions. I also wish people would stop telling me I'm too picky when there is no one to pick from. Maybe God will hear the prayers of my Sunshine patient who said the first thing to do after being released from the hospital is to go to Mass and light a candle for God to send me a husband. Right now, I'd settle for a pen pal.
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