The worst part of PTSD for me is the relapses that come out of nowhere. I passed another kidney stone this weekend which meant I missed work again. I felt better Sunday night so was totally prepared to go into work Monday morning. I woke up Monday at 1:45 PM! The electricity for a 2 mile stretch had been knocked out so my cell phone didn't charge and the backup battery in my alarm clock was dead. (I guess you're supposed to change those occasionally.)
I felt/feel totally embarrassed and panicky that I would be fired for not calling or showing up to work. Eventually the electricity came back on and I was able to send my boss a text message. But, this threw me into a spiral. I haven't been feeling well physically because of the kidney stone/elevated white blood cell count things and now, on top of that, the depression side of things has gotten a bit worse.
Obviously, I have no control over the fact that something happened to the electricity nor do I have control over my physical limitations. But, I feel like I should have control over those things. Like somehow everything that goes wrong in my life is my fault. This morning I woke up achey in a cold sweat feeling completely helpless. I had to take one of my anti-anxiety pills which meant that I couldn't go to work; I'm not allowed to work under the influence. To make matters worse, I couldn't get a hold of anyone on my unit to call in. Made me feel even more anxious. Just typing this is causing me to feel panicky all over again.
The most frustrating thing is knowing that there are certain days that I do my best but my best is simply eating breakfast and drinking water. That's so frustrating to me because on my "normal" days I go into work, I do my job well, I make my patients and nursing staff laugh, I feel like me! And then I have days like the past 5 where I feel completely useless and beat myself up for not being able to get it together.
Last night, I made it to my final exam for choir and the whole performance was nerve-wracking. I was tense, sweaty, had difficulty controlling my breathing--everything I have never had happen before while performing. Usually I'm totally relaxed and have great breath control; I've been performing for 25 years and I've never been such a nervous wreck. All I could think while standing there, singing, was it's almost over and I can go home and put my pajamas back on and crawl into bed.
I guess since this whole thing is a process, relapses are bound to happen. The last time I saw my doctor she was hopeful that I wouldn't see her again until January but this means that I have to go into see her tomorrow and let her know what happened. So incredibly frustrating and makes me feel so incompetent. It doesn't help that every time I tell my mom that I'm not doing well her solution is for me to call someone from church for help; she doesn't get that I've done that before and it is painfully obvious to me that due to the lack of help provided no one cares about me or my well-being. Just wish I didn't feel so incredibly alone when these relapses occur.
It's good that you're seeing your doctor tomorrow! I know that relapses are frustrating (I've had several with acute depression "attacks") and that they make you feel so idiotic. I also know that simply knowing the facts doesn't help much. Yeah, you know you didn't cause the electricity to go out. You know it wasn't your fault that you couldn't get a hold of anyone to call in. You know you can't control everything. But sometimes those things just don't quite cut it. The emotional and irrational take over and suddenly the world is ruled by those two things, logic and reason completely gone.
ReplyDeleteTo some degree, I can sympathize with you. To the rest of it, I can empathize. I can understand your duress (mostly) and I know it sucks because sometimes, even when there are people who care about you, they don't understand and they don't know why you're having relapses no matter how much you try to explain.
{{Hugs}} and hang in there.