I am not too fond of dreams. I had night terrors as a child and occasionally still wake up from bad dreams that I can't remember. The worst dream I had as a child I actually threw myself out of bed and hit my mouth on my nightstand on the way to the floor, knocking out one of my front teeth prematurely. The only dreams I remember are ones I have had since I was about 17 and they followed a pattern until 3 years ago. I have had 4 dreams in the past 3 years about the same person and I want them to stop! I thought they were gone! I haven't had one since June 2011 for crying out loud!
The first two were not something I would ever publicly share and the third one....I woke up sobbing at the hurtful words that were screamed at me. This one left me confused, hurt, and slightly angry at my subconscious. That's where dreams come from right? After all, my subconscious is the only one that apparently wants what happened in the dream. Either that or it shows how strong I have become in the past 2.5 years.
The dream was this....and let me tell you that I'm pretty sure only in a dream or a RomCom would this scenario EVER happen to me with this person. I also am not thrilled with any dream where I star in it and am watching the dream like a movie at the same time. Although I might have been just not thrilled because of who my co-star was. Bad casting on my subconscious part there.
Knock on my door. I open it and he is standing there, looking odd. I'm confused as to how he found me since we haven't spoken in almost 2 years.
"May I come in? I wanted to talk to you."
"Sure. Whatever."
I'm less than thrilled about talking to him but if he wants to talk to me, I can listen. I don't actually have to say anything.
"I wanted to apologize and tell you something."
This part is edited out for privacy and because this is how I knew it was a dream. He would never apologize to me about anything in person.
"I also wanted to tell you something." He walks into the kitchen and won't look me in the eye.
"There were about a dozen times I picked up my phone to call you and invite you out to a movie or dinner, on a date. Each time I was too scared to actually do it. Then, I was gone and you were there and it all went south."
I'm a bit stunned as I know he told everyone he could how much he was NOT interested in me or dating and we had no relationship of any kind whatsoever, not even friendship.
"I've been wondering the past year if I had ever once picked up the phone and followed through with one of those phone calls....if we might actually love each other instead of being completely absent from one another's lives. If we had ever spent time together talking in person, just the two of us, what might be different today. I miss you and I miss corresponding with you."
I'm completely stunned. He makes eye contact with me and there's this hope/regret look in his eyes. I have no clue what to say.
"Um, thank you, I think. I appreciate your apology. I'm not sure what to do with the rest. You told me my emails were helpful when you were bored and lonely so maybe you should just read my blog when you miss me. You have my email address if you ever wanted to write to me again. I don't know that I want to care about you again. I'm not going to jump just because you say to and I would have to think about whether or not I would respond to anything."
There were more words exchanged and somehow we ended up hugging and there were some misty eyes. I shut the door when he left not promising anything but feeling so forgiving that I almost opened that door and invited him in for dinner.
That's when I forced myself to wake up because I was pretty sure I had lost my mind at this point. Stupid subconscious. Only in a dream or a RomCom. Life so doesn't work that way in reality. Stupid dream ruined my nap. I need another one now so I will have the energy to pack up my apartment before I move, yes, move...AGAIN, tomorrow. *groan*
On the upside, I got a niece for Christmas. She's absolutely beautiful and I can't wait to meet her. She was born while I was at work and it made me realize that all I want for Christmas next year is my own family and some kiddos to love. More to come soon!
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