One Year Down; Unknown To Go

As of this week, I have lived in my specific corner of the world for 1 year. When I was making the decision to move last year, I had several options from which to choose. This was the last place I wanted to live. The other two options were so much more appealing in every aspect. But, for some unknown reason, I chose the one that was the least personally desirable. I have learned quite a bit in the past year that I am not sure I could have learned anywhere else, though.

For example, I was told recently that certain people I associate with on a regular basis don't like or talk to me because they have gotten the impression that I am a stuck-up snob. Me from a year ago would have been offended. Me now, just laughed and said, a bit confused, "Really?! Why?" Because I like to know why people think things. Especially if they think things about me without ever trying to get to know me. I have a really hard time making friends because of the initial impressions people have of me. It also doesn't help that I have wanderlust issues and am used to moving somewhere new, on average, every 2-3 years.

I am used to it just being me and am working to be more out-going and social. But it is not so easy! Being out-going and working to get to know people causes me great anxiety. I would rather be in a library studying books no one has pulled off the shelf in years. Or learning languages that no one in my corner of the world speaks. But, I have learned that I am much more bold and courageous than I previously thought. I still do not handle crowds of people very well, but small groups of 2-5 are okay, depending on the 2-5 people.

I have also learned that I am much stronger than I thought I was. I can say no to people and it's okay. I have also learned that the relationships I have with people who know me and love me anyway are huge blessings. Before, I think I took my friends for granted. They were just there and liked me for reasons I still can't figure out. But, if these really neat people like me and want to be friends with me, I must be pretty neat-o myself. I have been told too many times that I am weird for me to feel comfortable around people. Because if I am weird, what is wrong with you that you want to be friends with me? I have learned I am not weird--just unique and eccentric. (Embrace The Inner BrainTree!) I actually like myself quite a bit and am comfortable in my own skin.

I am also much more patient. I used to throw things at people who ignored me. Now, I just ignore them and don't bother working to become their friend. I also am embracing the Zen Buddhist saying: "Do you have the patience to wait for your mud to settle and the water to clear?" I think I would like the mud to settle so that I can see and think clearly. I am quite content waiting for the timing of things to be right and am happy and calm about decisions. If you knew me before this past year, I would not have been described as calm, let alone patient.

I don't mind that I make mistakes in public--much. I play the piano at church to accompany the congregational singing. It is terrifying to me! But I do it anyway and make lots of mistakes. I just remind myself, when I can't see the hymnal to read the notes, to take a deep breath and relax. I am not going to go to hell or be unlovable because I hit the wrong note in a particular chord or lost the rhythm and stopped playing altogether. I just practice more the next week, because no one cares that I make mistakes but me. That I know of. Making mistakes in public used to be my biggest fear. Now I just roll with it and move on.

I also have interests I didn't know I had, about things I was unaware of before. I love to learn new things! New things are so exciting and....NEW!!! But, I have also learned that males of the human species are intimidated by my desire to learn and gain knowledge. I am something scary that they feel the need to avoid. Not sure how to become more vapid and unintelligent; I might just have to be content with being the scary lady and single for the rest of my life. There are upsides to remaining unwed; I will have to make a list to refer to at 2 AM when I can't sleep and would like to have someone sleeping next to me that I can wake up and say, "Wake up! I can't sleep. Please, talk to me so the brain stops spinning worries." (I have been told that, in reality, the male just mumbles algorithms, rolls over, and has no memory of being woken up at 2 AM.)

This all boils down to that fact that the past year has been challenging, enlightening, devastating, and freeing. I am very much looking forward to what this next year holds in store. I also am optimistic about Hurricane Season because I survived it last year without air conditioning. If I can do that in the Southern United States, I can do anything! Go Team! -break-