Pass Interference: An Education

Yesterday at work, we had an interesting discussion about what is and is not acceptable social etiquette. A girl and her boyfriend attended a wedding. They've been dating for a little bit and are older than what is considered the "normal" marriage age. In other words, other people have placed an expiration date on their foreheads that only those people can see. (Some of you may know what I'm talking about as you have had moments where you wonder where your expiration date is stamped and how come you never noticed it. It's special ink and only nosy busy-bodies and your extended family members can see it flashing in bright neon yellow on your forehead.) The number one question that got asked, over and over, was, drum roll please,

"So when are you two getting married?"

Now this may seem like an innocent question but, in reality, it is not. In fact, there are several questions that should never be asked because the answers are none of your business. If people want you to know things, they send out these fancy cards with pictures called "Announcements." Here is the list of questions so that you may have them to refer to when you feel a sudden urge to be tacky.

"When are you getting married?"
"When are you going to start dating so-and-so?"
"What is the nature of your relationship with so-and-so?"
"Why aren't you and so-and-so engaged yet?"
"Don't you want to have kids?"

The main reason these questions are No-No's in the social world is because the answers only concern the two people involved and God. To paraphrase Elder Dallin H. Oaks, "Dating is NOT a team sport." The very next sentence in that talk explains why when he said, "Marriage is not a group activity."  He was talking specifically about dating and marriage but I think it can be applied to all types of relationships between 2 people.

I had a really good friend who happened to be an unwed male a year older than myself. We got to a point where we did almost everything together. If one of us was somewhere alone, people would ask where the other one was. We habitually spent every night from 8-11:30 PM together doing homework and watching TV. If I didn't show up when I was expected, he would call my apartment to find out where I was because he worried about me. It got to the point where if one of us was going to be late for any reason we made sure the other knew so that we wouldn't worry. My dad said we were like an old married couple except for the fact that we slept in separate apartments every night.

My friend actually introduced me to his parents by telling them I was his Secret Roommate. As I had almost died the night before on the Hike From Hell, was not looking so great, & was in my pajamas at his apartment wrapped up in his quilt, his dad actually was concerned that I was living with his son. His roommates even called me "The Queen of the Apartment." Many nights his roommates would come home from class or work to find me in their apartment by myself reading or watching TV. It was just a normal thing for us.

While he and I were having fun being ourselves and being friends, there was a group of girls who were also in the picture. In the Mormon church, if there is a large enough group, there are congregations made up of what we call Young Single Adults, ages 18-30. The congregation is subdivided into Family Home Evening groups. This particular group of girls was assigned to be in the same Family Home Evening group as my friend's apartment of guys. Since I was the "unofficial" roommate, I became mildly acquainted with these girls.

To make a long, painful story short, one of these girls became engaged to my friend's roommate. Since she felt she was now "in" with the group of guys, she thought it was okay to badger me with questions about my relationship with my friend. They were constant and pointed and I always answered that we were just friends. (Thanks for being so bloody concerned and nosy.) One day, I couldn't take it anymore. She asked me when my friend and I were planning on getting married for the millionth time. I went over to my friend's apartment and he could tell that something was wrong because I was hesitant to talk to him about what was bugging me. And I was acting weird. So I told him, "So-and-so just asked me when you and I are getting married."

He burst out laughing, said, "What?!" and walked into his bedroom. I didn't think it was so funny and walked out of his apartment. I came back a few minutes later. He had stopped laughing by then and realized that this really bothered me. When I told him what had been going on for months, he told me to tell people whatever I wanted to tell them because he didn't care what I told them. I thought about that and called him the next day to clarify.

"So you're okay with it if I tell people that we're dating?"
"Well, not exactly. But if you want to get out of a date with someone or something, then I think you should go ahead and tell people you have a boyfriend."

The school year ended a few days later and he left to go work for his dad for 4 months. When he got back to school we talked about the whole dating thing. I was open to suggestions by this time; he informed me that he didn't want to date me and he didn't know why he didn't want to date me. Since dating leads to marriage, in the subtext of this conversation what was ultimately being said was, "I don't want to marry you and I don't know why I don't want to marry you." For anyone who has been on my end, you know how badly that hurts and how much it hurts the person, someone who loves you and has no desire to cause you any kind of pain, to tell you this. Because of the results of the conversation, the elephant in the room had been acknowledged and given a name. Eventually he and I were no longer able to maintain our friendship on any level. He has married and I am extremely happy that he did find a woman he wanted to date and marry.

These conversations are not easy and this particular one would never had occurred if a woman would have minded her own business and worried more about her relationship instead of ours. There are certain issues that should never be forced, especially by outside parties who have no clue about the personal struggles an individual may be having. In football, what she did could be considered "Pass Interference." The play was not allowed to play out according to its natural progression because someone on the field not directly involved in the play interfered.

Please, don't ask questions about matters that are none of your business. Don't call people on the phone and demand answers as if you are entitled to them. Don't justify your nosiness by saying you're "concerned" about someone. Being selfless and caring about another individual as either a friend or a potential spouse is so difficult because it goes contrary to the nature of man. At our core, many of us are solitary individuals who find it extremely difficult to allow others into our private worlds. Don't make it even more difficult for us by pushing us to move according to your timetable at your pace. You are not me and don't know all things about me. You are not the other person nor are you a member of that particular two-some. Leave it alone. Be concerned about yourself and your relationships with other people. Allow people their privacy and their space to be who they are as individuals and as members of a relationship that excludes you.