I was asked to speak on President Thomas S. Monson’s talk entitled “Charity Never Faileth,” from the 2010 General Relief Society Meeting. As I read and pondered President Monson’s words, my thoughts continually returned to the anecdote he relates at the beginning.
“A young couple, Lisa and John, moved into a new neighborhood. One morning while they were eating breakfast, Lisa looked out the window and watched her next-door neighbor hanging out her wash.
“‘That laundry’s not clean!” Lisa exclaimed. “Our neighbor doesn’t know how to get clothes clean!’”
“John looked on but remained silent.
“Every time her neighbor would hang out her wash to dry, Lisa would make the same comments.
“A few weeks later Lisa was surprised to glance out her window and see a nice, clean wash hanging in her neighbor’s yard. She said to her husband, ‘Look, John--she’s finally learned how to wash correctly! I wonder how she did it.’”
“John replied, ‘Well, dear, I have the answer for you. You’ll be interested to know that I got up early this morning and washed our windows.’"
I was struck by her inability to see past her own dirt. And then, I realized she couldn’t truly see anything because everything was colored by her own dirty windows. Could it be possible that we are so critical of others because we are so critical of ourselves?
A friend recently told me “I assume everyone thinks like I do...” This simple statement had a profound impact on me. It was humbling because I realized that what I had said to prompt this statement was cruel, unfair, and judgmental. Because, you see, I think that everyone thinks like I do. I assume that everyone else sees me the way I see myself and would do things the way I would do them. Because we are given agency, “Everyone gets to do it their way.” (Mitchell Family Motto)
For the longest time, I have hated having my picture taken because I don’t see what other people see when I look at myself. When I look at my picture, I see every mistake, every flaw, every failure, every disappointment, each opportunity I didn’t get to take, the sacrifices that many times don’t seem like they were worth it....I see the dirt on the window and it colors my perceptions of everything around me.
In Matt. 7:3, the Savior asks, “Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” Could the answer be that we have grown so accustomed to our “beam” that we no longer recognize that it is there?
But, unfortunately, it is there and stopping to consider our beam would mean that we would have to contemplate having it removed--which would require a form of surgery, repentance. It would require asking Heavenly Father to extend His Son’s love to us at a time when we feel least deserving of that love.
For you see, charity is “the highest, noblest, strongest love, not merely affection; the pure love of Christ.” (Bible Dictionary, Charity) Elder Bruce R. McConkie said, “It is love so centered in righteousness that the possessor has no aim or desire except for the eternal welfare of his own soul and the souls of those around him.” (Mormon Doctrine, 121.) It is not only why, but how the Savior was able to perform the Atonement. It is the reason our Heavenly Father gave us agency and provided a Savior for us when he presented the Plan of Happiness and Salvation.
When we humble ourselves and choose to ask the LORD to heal our eyes we are able to see that “None of us is perfect.” Pres. Monson said, “I know of no one who would profess to be [perfect]. And yet for some reason, despite our own imperfections, we have a tendency to point out those of others. We make judgements concerning their actions or inactions.”
As our own eyesight is healed through the Atonement, and the Savior helps us clean our window, we learn the truth of Mother Teresa’s words: “If you judge each other, you have no time to love them.” In the book of Moses, in the Pearl of Great Price, Moses relates a conversation Enoch had with Heavenly Father. Enoch had just been shown who God is and all the works of His hands. And then he notices that the Lord weeps. Moses 7:29, 32-33, 40-
“And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?”
“The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them, and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency; And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood.”
“Wherefore, for this shall the heavens weep, yea, and all the workmanship of mine hands.”
The heavens weep--our Father weeps--when we judge and withhold our love from each other. For some of us, the commandment to “love one another” can be the most difficult commandment for us to obey. It requires humility and a willingness to open oneself to the possibility for great pain and rejection.
Truman Madsen taught in his essay, How to Be Loved and Beloved, that “You cannot love until you are loved.” But we are loved, infinitely, perfectly loved by Heavenly Father. It is as we come to recognize and accept that love that we are able to extend that love to others. But this takes time. That is why repentance is called a process. It takes time to change one’s mind and heart so that it is aligned with the desires of the Father. Brother Madsen further states that: “Love....requires endless discipline, terrible periods of the self at war with the self, tortures of involvement (you vastly increase your capacities for pain when you identify with someone else), and an infinite patience. Is it worth it?”
In a recent conversation with a friend, it was pointed out that choosing what’s best over what is better can be difficult when what’s best has a high risk for pain. Loving others is what is best; it is choosing to live a higher law. And while there is great risk for pain in choosing to love others, there is an exponentially greater possibility for joy and happiness; which makes the risk seem inconsequential in the eternal scheme. But we still ask, because we are afraid others will only see our imperfections and choose not to love us in return, “Is it really worth it?”
“The truth is that the soul of every child of God comes with an overwhelming need and an overwhelming capacity for such love. When we settle for less, we settle for a flute. But what the Father would have us have is the whole symphony. Even in our darkest moments we are really preparing for it. (And ‘prepare’ is the way we should spell ‘wait.’) To lose the vision of the possibility is to lose the motivation to live for it. And that, in the counsel of those who have heard the Divine music, is to lose all.” (Madsen, ibid.)
When we disobey the commandment to love one another, we deny our brothers and sisters and ourselves, the divine right to be loved. First impressions are usually wrong and “appearances can be so deceiving. Such a poor measure of a person.” (Monson)
President Monson commented that “There is really no way we can know the heart, the intentions, or the circumstances of someone who might say or do something we find reason to criticize. Thus the commandment: Judge Not.” In correlation, Madsen points out that “We only come to see ourselves and others when we have a measure of revelatory love. In fact, if we view mankind through our mole hole of pettiness and spite, we can hardly see them at all. With the eyes of love we can, at times at least, recognize that we are mingling with potential gods and goddesses.”
In fact, if one believes that the Plan of Salvation is real and that we lived together with our Father in Heaven, then it logically follows that we knew and associated with each other before coming to this Earth. In essence, we have known and associated with each other for eternity. Our relationships with one another have been, and will be, ones of an eternal nature. Elder Neal A. Maxwell pointed out “that one of the reasons we love each other in the kingdom is that our friendships are not friendships of initiation at all but are, instead, friendships of resumption.” (Brim With Joy)
We do ourselves and our friends a disservice when we deem others unworthy of our time, love, and friendship. But the person we hurt the most, when we judge based on our limited understanding, is our self. For you could have had a friend and are dismissing opportunities to learn and grow because of that potential relationship. These decisions have eternal consequences. We are taught in Doctrine and Covenants 130:2 a bit about what life will be like after the resurrection and when the veil is removed from our minds:
“And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy.”
We each have great need for charity in our lives. We need that “perfect love of Christ.” It is how we become like the Savior. It is how we learn to live without fear. John teaches that “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear” (1 John 4:18). It is how we learn to develop the characteristics associated with charity, as listed by President Monson.
“Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down. It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others.”
When we judge others based on our perceptions and deem them unworthy of forgiveness or the benefit of the doubt, we effectively say to that person, and others, that we think they are unworthy of having the blessing of the Atonement in their life. When we judge others unworthy, we judge ourselves unworthy of the Atonement.
In myriad ways, I have experienced charity in my life. It has been something as simple as a smile and “Hello.” It has been a friend’s willingness to get me out of a dangerous situation. It has been a postcard in the mail that was the only non-bill in 10 months. I have felt it in another person’s choosing not to lose their temper when I have lost mine. It has been friendship extended during times when I have not felt capable of being loved. It is choosing to follow promptings to reach outside one’s comfort zone and extend friendship to another despite the risk of pain and fear of rejection. It is in conversing with someone, not realizing that in choosing to talk to them you have made their day brighter. It is acknowledging that someone exists when everyone else ignores them.
I have witnessed charity in a wife’s devotion to her husband as she slept in a chair in his hospital room night after night, weeks on end for several years. Even when he didn’t recognize her, or their children, she never left his side because he was her best friend and there was no where else she would rather be than with him. I have felt the love my Heavenly Father has for me standing on top of mountains, viewing the wonderful creation that this Earth is, marveling that it was created for me so that I could be given the opportunity to become like my Father in Heaven. I stand in awe of the sunrise. Each morning as the sky lightens and I draw breath is a testament to me that Heavenly Father has given me one more opportunity to be and do better.
In Moroni 7:44-48, we are taught what charity is, why it never fails and how we can acquire it in our lives.
President Monson concluded his address by stating:
“Life is perfect for none of us. Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in the journey through life. May we recognize that each one is doing [their] best to deal with the challenges which come [their] way, and may we strive to do our best to help out.”
I know that Jesus is the Christ. I know that Heavenly Father loves each one of His children. He allows us to experience things that break our hearts. When we humble ourselves and turn to Him for comfort and understanding, He helps us put the pieces back together with less flaws each time. And each time, we are perfected and refined a little bit more. Because of the unique experiences I have had in my life, I have seen charity in action as I have seen others choose to allow themselves to be refined through “the pure love of Christ.” Perfection is possible and comes through the Atonement of Christ. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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