Hitting the Wall

I've been reading Elaine S. Dalton's book, Return to Virtue. She compares living a Christ-centered, virtuous life to the rigors and discipline required to train to run a marathon. I'm only about halfway through the book but her chapter on "Hitting the Wall" has struck a chord. We go through things and experience challenges that stress our emotions and psyche to the max and figuratively deplete our spiritual and emotional carbohydrate stores. We hit the wall and have nothing left to draw upon. And if our spiritual and mental capacities are also stretched to their breaking point there is no way to push ourselves past The Wall by sheer will-power.

If we feel that we have been forsaken by God and those who profess to be our friends and loved ones, there is nothing external that we can draw on for support. Those are the times we want to quit. To lay on the side of the road and watch everyone else while we attempt to recover or regroup, gasping for breath and crying because of the pain. It's hard to turn to the Lord and talk to Him when you are hurting and angry with Him.

She quoted a scripture in an earlier chapter I don't remember ever reading. I'm sure I have but, you know how that goes. Sometimes we need to read things at the appropriate moments.

"Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered; And being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him." (Hebrews 5:8-9)

When all the crap that I've been enduring hit the fan in May, I told someone that it is amazing how when you go through certain things you begin to understand a little of what the Savior did and are more and more awed by how He was able to do it. Because I would like to throw things at people; don't feel a whole lot of love or charity for the people who have hurt me and definitely can't pray right now for "those who despitefully use [me]." In fact, it has become difficult to pray for myself because I can't pray for the benefit of others; every cell in my body rebels against it.

Because of this, I have hit my wall. My reserves are used up and I find myself in a position I've only felt once before physically and emotionally. It is taxing every ounce of willpower I have. I feel like I am going through the motions and am a bit dead inside. It's a bit of a horrible thing. And it seems awful that our society looks at this as a form of weakness or instability. When in reality, it's probably more common then people talk about. We hide in our homes, suffering in silence because we have unrealistic expectations that we have to be strong ALL the time.

Well, I'm not strong all the time and I have hit my wall. Working on pushing through the pain, physical exhaustion, emotional wreckage, and spiritual drought because I know eventually, this too shall pass. The victory shall be all the sweeter for having not given up. Just don't expect anything great from me any time soon. My reservoir has experienced a drought. I have no oil to spare for your lamp. I'm working on my personal obedience to the laws of God and until that's fixed, I'm really no good to anyone.