Further Insights from "How To Succeed With People"

After reading the chapter entitled, Give Positive Experiences, I feel a tiny bit validated about my upbringing and innate personality quirks. What he discusses is something I try to do in my everyday life. Since I cannot read another person's mind--and frankly, have no desire to do so--I cannot tell what they were thinking about a given situation. To clarify their point of view and mine, I always ask questions. This has led some to be highly annoyed with me because they thought I was being overly-analytical of their behavior based on their personal experiences; others are willing to have a frank, open discussion so that questions I have are answered or at least, differing opinions are shared. 

When the  other person has been open-minded and willing to discuss, relationship problems have been averted. When the person has judged my behavior based on the behavior of someone else in their past, relationships have disintegrated. Always, always give the benefit of the doubt by asking questions that clarify anything you might have possibly misunderstood. It saves time and prevents heartache to others in the future. It is always better to appear simple and humble by asking a questions than for others to consider you to be egotistical, snobbish, and fearful of gaining further knowledge and enlightenment. 

As my dad always said, "The only stupid questions are the ones you never ask."

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"One of the main reasons behind communication breakdowns is because the people involved interpret the same event differently. Their different natures and different background experiences condition them to do so. If they then interact without taking into account why they see things differently, they begin to judge each other."

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"Can two people disagree and both be right? Obviously yes. Each is right from his own point of view. And probably each will respect this fact and either stop complaining or make a compromise satisfactory to both. 

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Judging another's sanity or sincerity is a personal attack and creates new and different relationship problems that are far more difficult to solve." 

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"One person will eventually come to see another's point of view by first assuming that the other is sincere and then seeking to understand through asking and listening rather than telling and judging. Gradually, through respectful communication, almost everyone comes to see both points of view, usually with an "Oh! I see it!" Yet, I have students to this day who cannot. They invested so much ego in their defense as to freeze their initial perception or point of view."
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"When we assume the other is right from his point of view (for he is!) and then try to understand his point of view by asking questions and respectfully listening, we give an experience that encourages him to become open and cooperative."
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"In short, since people trust their own experiences, we had better give positive ones if we wish to influence them."


~Stephen Covey, How to Succeed With People