Sticks and Stones

The old children's rhyme should be altered, in my adult opinion.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

But words can uplift or destroy me.

On my computer's desktop, I have these virtual Post-Its. One of them says,

"You have a beautiful smile."

I put it there because this past January I was at a very low point in my self-esteem. I didn't think there was anything beautiful about me. The mirror was not my friend. I had gone to the Houston LDS Temple to have some quiet time. When I handed my Temple Recommend to the man at the desk, he scanned it, handed it back to me, and thanked me for coming to the temple that day. I smiled at him and said, "You're welcome." He then, without missing a beat, told me, "You have a beautiful smile." It was something completely unexpected and made my smile brighter as I thanked him for the compliment.

I had never met Brother Florer before. He didn't know me or that I didn't think anything about me was beautiful. He had no idea that I really needed someone to simply say something sincerely nice to me. And, I'm sure he had absolutely no clue that 11 months later when I'm feeling down I look at that stickie note and remember that at least one person thought something about me is beautiful.

A similar thing happened the end of March. I was attending the Houston Symphony's performance of Don Quixote alone, like I always do, and happened to sit next to this older couple. The woman was from Germany and when her husband and I pulled out books to read during Intermission, she decided to talk to me since she didn't know me. We had a lovely conversation about her Ovarian Cancer diagnosis and treatment and my decision to go back to school to study Nursing. When the performance ended, she turned to me before I stood up and thanked me for coming that night. She said she really liked talking to me and my presence enhanced the performance for her.

This woman did not know me or that I had been feeling like no one liked me. She had no clue that I had been sensing that the people who did talk to me did it out of obligation--that my friendship was more of a burden than a privilege. Since I was a stranger to her, she could have let me leave without ever saying how much she enjoyed her conversation with me and I would have missed an opportunity to be shown that people do enjoy my company.

In Elder Neal A. Maxwell's book, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, chapter 5 is entitled "Growth Through Counsel, Correction, and Commendation." He states that, "We can be so much more genuinely and regularly helpful to each other than we usually are, ..." (p.74) I think many of us have no problem giving advice and correction. The sarcastic quip and the "if you had only done this instead of this," are things that come much more readily to the mind and flow much easier off the tongue. But what about the third element, commendation?

Commendation simply means to praise. How often do compliments and honest praise come rolling off the tongue? Do they readily come to the mind or are they things we struggle to say? Do we even say them at all? Do we even notice when someone does something praiseworthy?

Maxwell further states that, "When we 'pass by' others and 'notice them not,' a degree of deprivation occurs. (Mormon 8:39)" (p.75) How often do you deprive someone of much needed spiritual nourishment when you walk by them and don't notice them at all? The parable of the Good Samaritan comes to mind. The people who passed by had a religious duty to stop and help the injured man, but it was the stranger who willingly helped.

What if the Levite had been someone who professed to be a close friend of the man who was robbed and left for dead? How might their friendship have been affected when the injured man found out his close friend left him for dead because of the unkind actions of another? Do you notice your friends and family in need or do you "walk on by?" When was the last time your loved ones heard you say 'thank you' or 'you're so good at that?'

If you are caught in the pattern of offering only corrective counsel and criticism and seldom offering praise, there is a danger that you are inflicting wounds on those you profess to love and with whom you call friend.

"Regrettably we sometimes see an individual get classified, and no matter how well he or she does thereafter, it is difficult to get reclassified. It is sometimes like the chicken whose comb gets bloodied; all the chickens then peck at it, making the situation even worse. These 'walking wounded' are all about us, and they need someone else to help them bind up--not add to--their wounds."  (Maxwell, 79)

Why do we do this to one another? Is it easier to see and point out the wrong in another than the good? Are we jealous of others and feel that we need to humble them? Are we afraid to honestly love another for the wonderful person we know they are capable of being? Or do we simply believe in our ignorant arrogance that we know more than we truly do and choose to ignore the fact that "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see*?"

Each one of us has unseen sorrow. We are each more fully aware of our own shortcomings and incapabilities than anyone else who comes in contact with us. I thought for a long time that I was not good at mathematics because I had been told by a family member that if I took higher math courses in college, I would most likely not do well and would therefore lower my GPA by taking such courses. So I chose to not take math or science courses that required higher math skills. This was a mistake.

When I transferred to the Texas state college system from Brigham Young University (BYU), my General Education requirements changed and math was now required. Much to my surprise, but not the surprise of my mother and closest friends, I never made lower than an A- on any of my math courses. But I had to be pushed out of that wrong pattern of self-belief before I could see that this opinion about my personal capabilities was wrong. I am good at math and actually enjoy those courses of study.

Maxwell explains why we hold on to these wrong beliefs more easily than we believe praise.

"We should, therefore, without being artificial, regularly give deserved, specific praise. One of the reasons for doing this is that we are all so very conscious of our shortcomings that it takes a persistent pattern of appreciation to finally penetrate. We are so certain, sometimes, we do not really have a particular skill or attribute that we severely discount praise. One of the reasons we need regular praise from 'outside auditors' is to offset the low level of self-acknowledgement most of us have. Flattery is a form of hypocrisy to be avoided,..." (Maxwell, 81, emphasis added)

I needed those two strangers to honestly and sincerely compliment me because the people who saw me in "real-life" had turned my attributes and accomplishments into things to be mocked and ridiculed. The back-handed compliment had become normal with more emphasis on the verbal slap than the soothing praise. I was often told to dumb down my comments or lessons and was repeatedly told to keep my mouth shut because I offended others.

Brother Florer pointed out a specific thing about me that he considered beautiful and felt no hesitancy about telling me he thought my smile was beautiful; he did not point out that if I hadn't thrown my retainer away when I was 25, my teeth would be straighter and therefore I would have a more perfect smile. The woman at the Symphony honestly enjoyed her conversation with me and felt enriched by the experience; she did not point out that if I had a degree my opinion would be more readily appreciated by others.

There was no artifice or flattery in their praise--merely simple, honest commendation acknowledging skills and attributes that I have. I needed strangers to do it because they had not "classified" me--there were no preconceived ideas about me. What they said was believable simply because they had no prior knowledge of me.

I think that's also one of the main reasons that gossip and back-biting are so evil. When we discuss another person as a topic of accepted conversation, we inject our notions and opinions about another that may not be something that is true about that person or is simply our opinion of them based on our own ideas of what is and is not appropriate behaviour. We effectively tarnish the clean slate the person we are talking to had prior to our opening our mouth.

For example, I recently met the boyfriend of a close friend. After being introduced, this stranger said to me, "Oh, you're the one who flunked out of BYU." I looked at my friend who, as far as I was aware, was my only connection to this man. She had a horrified look on her face and said, "WHAT?!?! That is NOT true!" Then she turned to me and made it very clear that whatever erroneous information he had about me had not come from her. I then had to correct his misconception by explaining that I had chosen to transfer to Texas Tech University following the death of my dad to be closer to my mother.

But, can you see how a rift could have been formed between my friend and I by his comment? Or the preconceived ideas he had about me prior to ever meeting me and talking to me in person? He had no problem expressing his criticism of me in that one statement. I have unseen sorrow about my educational goals and the length of time it is taking to achieve those goals. His snide comment added to my wounds instead of taking the opportunity to ignore what he had heard about me and getting to know me for myself.

We consciously and unconsciously hurt the possibilities others have for relationships and much needed personal encouragement when we do no exert control over our tongues and allow them to be a weapon firing poison-filled darts in the form of words at those we should be loving towards.

Also, we are taught by Alma in the Book of Mormon,

"For our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence." (Alma 12:14)

If our thoughts, word, and deeds are things that condemn us because of what we actually think, say, and do, is it not accurate to say that we shall be condemned for the things we do NOT think, say, or do? For example, if we have the thought enter our mind to offer a compliment and do NOT act on that thought and speak the words of praise, have we, by our inaction, harmed another and condemned ourselves by omission?

In closing this essay of personal observation, may I offer another insight from Elder Neal A. Maxwell and an adage.

"The giving of commendation keeps us alert and noticing of the good deeds and qualities of others. It permits us to be more concerned with them and less with ourselves. As long as we avoid artificiality and generality, commending is one of the great dimensions of brotherhood and sisterhood. Let us never unwittingly turn others in the direction of the praise of the world merely because they are so starved for the praise of the righteous!" (Maxwell, 93, emphasis added.)

"If your lips can keep from slips,

Five things observe with care:

TO whom you speak;

OF whom you speak;

And HOW,

and WHEN,

and WHERE."

~William Edward Norris 

You never know whom you might harm or uplift by the things you allow to leave your mouth. Consistently and conscientiously think when you are in the presence of others WHAT the Savior might say and HOW He would treat that person. 

And, if you need to vent about another, do it in the privacy of prayer with your Father in Heaven. He is the only perfect judge and knows far more than you what the circumstances are and the wounds this other person is living with. He is the only one who can soften your heart and help you see what their needs truly are, who they are, and how He sees them. If you sincerely ask, He may allow you to see that person the way He sees them and your ability to have compassion and become more like Him will increase.

*Lord, I Would Follow Thee, Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, #220.