I was planning on telling you the story of Brother #3 first date where I play the part of the chauffeur. But that story will have to wait for a later time.
There are times I am convinced weddings and pregnancies happen because everyone drank out of the same punch bowl. You know what I'm talking about. There are times you are just inundated with wedding and baby announcements. Well, I feel like there is this new trend in my life: the divorce announcements. Everyone is drinking the cool aid.
So many people I know have gotten divorced in the past 18 months that I'm almost convinced never to get married ever in life. I know there are different circumstances for every person and that it is a painful decision to make, but it shocks me every time. And the more older singles functions I attend the more "my marriage ended because" stories I hear. It is off-putting.
There are certain things in life I do NOT want to know and why your marriage ended as a conversation opener is one of them. I feel like I have entered a new phase of life called "Divorceland." The early 20's were "Marriedland" and the mid 20's were "Babyland." It makes me wonder if the people who are pushing for me and others my age to get married don't realize why we're so freaked out by even the concept of marriage and commitment. Almost everyone I know has broken their marriage vows and are no longer married. This doesn't instill confidence in my own ability to maintain a relationship and keep it together.
But why should I even be worried? Even when friends set me up with a guy or give one my contact information, the guy still doesn't contact me or show up. I know men who live 5 minutes from me who are more inclined to drive 90 miles one way to go out with someone other than me. Sometimes it's not your technique, it really is just you. One guy friend suggested I move somewhere where there was a denser population of singles. I do not see what this would improve. I would still be me. I didn't get asked out in high school because no one was interested in me and I didn't get asked out in college because no one was interested in me. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and realize that maybe you really are just that boring that no one sees you when you walk into a room. And now I'm once again competing with the girls who snagged the guys the first time around. I don't really want to participate in spousal recycling.
Valentine's Day commercials always make me feel worse and this year's crop have been great. Especially in conjunction with the news that a dear friend's 10 year marriage is over. I'm not dating anymore. That may be selfish but it's the way I feel. I work. I go to school to improve my lot in life and I do things I enjoy doing alone. Because it's too much work to get psyched up about meeting someone new and building a friendship only to have someone never contact you. Yes, it is their loss, but it's my loss, too. And I'm a person with feelings that can be hurt, not a robot.
I know the last person you want to hear from on this subject is me, but I'm going to sound off anyway.
ReplyDeleteBefore I got married, I didn't date either. As in NEVER. Not in high school, not in college, not before my mission, not after my mission - even when I was living in a place with a "denser population of singles" AKA Provo and Salt Lake City.
So, I did what every normal, red-blooded-single-Mormon girl would do. I moved to Japan - a place of non-existent Mormon single population where, two years later, I met Husband over the Internet
I'm with you on the divorce thing, though - it seems that about 50% of the people I know are getting divorced. About 99.99% of the time, it's because of selfishness on one or both parts.
That's pretty much all I have to say. I thought I'd come up with some super awesome advice, but I totally didn't. Sorry I'm such an advice loser.
You know Emily, I sure wish we lived closer so we could get together and just talk. I too have had way too many friends go through divorces, and each time it happens it shakes me to the core.
ReplyDeleteAs for your thoughts on dating though, I'd have to strongly disagree with your assessment that it's "just you" or that "maybe you really are just that boring that no one sees you when you walk into a room." Here's why.
Emily, you are a beautiful woman with a gorgeous smile. I also consider you to be one of the most interesting people I know. The thing that makes me so sad is that you don't seem to give yourself enough credit for how awesome you are.
In talking with Brian as well as dozens of guy friends, I've been told that there are 2 main things guys look for in a woman. (And no, they're not all looking for some 19-yr-old bimbo with a perfect body). They look for a woman who 1)feels good about herself, and 2) makes him feel good about himself. I thought that was interesting.
With the first part, you have to think of dating as a sales job. Let's say you're trying to sell a product, but you tell potential customers things like, "Nobody else wants this product... It's really not that great or interesting. You probably won't like it much either... I don't know why I'm even trying to sell it at all." Of course you won't get any customers! Why would anyone be interested in a product that you yourself don't believe in? Even if you didn't say all of this out loud, but believed it, it would show in your countenance and put people off. If you changed your sales pitch though to one that showed confidence in your product, and you didn't even have to tell people why it was so cool, but you showed them just enough to make them realize how much better their life would be with it... That is when the quality buyers come around.
For the making the guy feel good about himself part, I've been told that guys don't really want flattery, but rather kindness. They want someone who makes them feel at ease, who smiles, enjoys life, and can make them laugh. I thought this was kind of cool, and not necessarily what we women will always assume they're looking for.
I think you're amazing, Emily, and I really want to see you happy. I hope I haven't offended you at all with what I've written. If I have though, please talk with me about it. Just know you've always got someone right here who's on your side and cheering for you.