Empathy

Yesterday I got an email from someone I've known since I was 20. They told me that about 9 years ago they started having panic attacks out of the blue. They couldn't pinpoint what caused them and all the symptoms I've been describing are what they went through. A week after the worst one, medication had to come into play and a panic attack hasn't happened since. The fear of having one in public was almost as bad as actually having one in public.

My friend told me how there were so many feelings of anger, embarrassment, humiliation, fear, etc. Everything described is what I have been feeling and I wasn't judged but understood. It helped. I expressed some things that I've been going through and how one thing can tip over the precarious Jenga tower I have built over the past 13 years. Everything was balanced so perfectly until that one piece got moved and placed on top and the whole thing came crashing down.

All my coping skills feel used up and I'm numb to every emotion but anger, fear, and embarrassment. They're valid emotions.

Sarra asked me not to stop writing and just get it all out. It's hard to admit how angry you can be about things. I'm angry at my siblings for many reasons. I'm pissed at everyone who has a mother who would show up and do dishes or just give them a hug! I'm furious that I felt the need to take the blog private because other people couldn't keep their judgemental opinions to themselves.

I feel like Sally Field at the end of "Steel Magnolias." And it is hard for me admit it. I'm genuinely a nice person and like being kind and loving towards others. But, right now people in general make me want to throw things. And I really, really detest that I can't sit in a movie theater in a crowd of people because I feel like I can't breathe. One of my only forms of pleasure in life is impossible for me to participate in without feeling like my lungs are being constricted. AHHHHHH!!!!!