Enough Talking

So after last night's meltdown and subsequent midnight phone call to work letting them know I was sick, again, I have slept, eaten, watched a movie, done a few crossword puzzles and made a decision. Decision making is completely overwhelming to me right now. Hulu makes me cry because there are too many choices about what to watch and I don't feel like anything.

I'm not going to talk about this anymore. I'm going to stay off Facebook, G+, and talk to the counselor.

I have a memory running through my head and I've been trying to figure out why it has popped up after so many years. I think I figured it out.

Dustin dumped me because he said I didn't need him and he needed to be needed. Everyone always compliments me on how responsible I am and how impressive it is that I am so self-sufficient. Right now I want to laugh at all of them who think that because I'm barely holding it together and can't even remember if I turned in my rent check this month. But if I write out another one and it bounces I'm in even more trouble than before. Oh well. No one takes care of me but me. Which is why this memory keeps going through my head.

Dustin and I were both on AIM right after our conversation to not date and get married. I was doing homework when he popped up on the computer screen with this question.

"If you die would you tell me? I had the worst dream last night and you were dead and no one told me."

My response: "How would you like me to tell you? Should I come to you in a dream and make the announcement? Why would you need to be told? I'm pretty sure the only people who would really need to know would be my husband and children. Since you don't want to be my husband there would be no need for you to know."

We never talked about it again and gradually stopped talking to each other all together. But lately his question has popped up. Not because I want to die but because I look around at my life and realize that there is no one I interact with on a daily level who would miss me if I weren't here. No one's missed me at work but my boss and he's been completely understanding.

Since all this started I've had 2 phone calls from friends. I've had a couple questions about random things via emails and google chat but it's not like there's anyone who missed me because I blew off a movie or something. I think that's the main issue. I don't have anybody and other people don't get it. If you're married, you have a spouse to talk to. If you still live at home, there are people in the house. I really don't have anybody. I make the majority of Skype calls to my brother and sister, not the other way around. When my cell phone got disconnected, people stopped calling even though they had my landline number. An email is harder to write than a text. But no one cares about that.

I read that article About Trauma last night and realized I've been through so much in the past 13 years and I just can't handle one more thing on my own. My ability to cope is gone. I can tell myself to leave the house and not let myself down but it doesn't fix the underlying problem. I need someone to share life with and there's no one applying for the job. Little hurts over a period of time add up to one giant hurt. Asking someone to a movie and seeing on FB that they saw the invite but never responded is a slash. Someone walking by you like they don't know who you are cuts. Finding out a friend was 20 minutes away for a week and didn't call to see if you wanted to get lunch jabs. It's a hundred little things that add up to one giant ache.

But no one wants to hear about it anymore so I'll pay someone to let me talk to them.