There have been a lot of adjustments in my life over the past year. It's been roughly 9 months since my diagnosis with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I learn new things about myself every day. There are a few things that will most likely never disappear. There are new things I didn't know I was capable of doing. I'm experimenting with what does and does NOT work for me when it comes to coping and stress relief.
Some of the personality shifts I've noticed are annoying to myself. I have always startled easily but now I'm hyper-sensitive to noises I can't identify and jump if someone comes up behind me. Brother #1 has been staying with me on the weekends when he has to work in Houston. It's been really nice having him around but the last morning he was here, I forgot he was in the house. Granted, I had been sound asleep when he opened his bedroom door down the hall from me, but that's no excuse for hearing a noise and jack-knifing into a sitting position so that when he came into my room to shower I was prepared to do who knows what with my eyes closed.
I've never been a person who likes hugs and that has gotten worse to the point where I can't stand to be touched by anyone. Except when I feel panicky and then I want someone to wrap themselves around me, squeeze tight, and tell me it's ll going to be okay. I read somewhere that this calms the sympathetic nervous system but have yet to prove what I read in a practical setting.
I don't handle disruptions to routine very well so establishing them has become difficult unless I have someone tell me what to do--as in a work schedule. I've been told by some people that I'm a workaholic but I really don't do well when I have too much free time on my hands. The days where I can legitimately give myself permission to be lazy and read a book all day are good. Then I see the piles of laundry that I haven't folded in 3 months and the fact I made a quilt top but haven't put the sheets on my bed and feel guilty for not having it all together.
Church attendance has been a lot better since January but is still difficult. I have to sit in the back by a door and don't feel comfortable with lots of people coming up to talk to me. It helps that I'm in a place where people have known me since I was 14 and don't judge me.
The most difficult thing though has been the major depression that has set in since September. I've been on medication and that has helped quite a bit but the cognitive side of things, the therapy aspect is not there. I didn't get along well with the counselor EAP sent me to and once my free sessions were up I couldn't afford to continue going--especially when the counselor said the only problem he could see was that I didn't have a social life; if I just had friends to talk to I wouldn't need to pay someone to listen to me was the gist of those 5 hours.
The biggest thing I've learned from all my research into the subject is how well others did when they had a stable home environment where routine was established. Wake up at the same time every day, eat breakfast, exercise, go to bed at the same time, et cetera. That has been very difficult for me but something I want to do. I just don't have the internal motivation at the moment to do it.
I read this article today in the New York Times about running being therapy for the author and I would like to try it. I have downloaded the C25K app onto my phone and just need to make myself do it no matter what. Not the easiest thing for me since I have no one but myself to be accountable to, but maybe putting up a calendar, marking off the days, and giving myself a reward will be a start. I would love to fall into bed and fall right to sleep instead of laying there waiting for the sleeping pill to kick in.
Life is all about adjusting and re-adjusting and this is just one more thing on the long list of things in my life I need to adjust to.
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