I really enjoyed this talk because I have dealt with similar situations in my life. Communication without judgement and with active listening is so crucial to any relationship or situation. It is so important to look at another person as a human being who is going through things from a perspective we may not understand. When this is ignored, blame is assigned. Where there is no communication, relationships wither and die.
Since I started having symptoms of PTSD and severe depression I have had people constantly say things to me or about me that have been damaging and hurtful. I've had my situation compared to others--which is not helpful at all, by the way--and told how blessed I am to have my health. It is easy to have empathy for someone who's injuries or illnesses are physically apparent. It isn't as easy when what you are going through is internal and from all outward appearances there is nothing wrong with you.
When blame is assigned the ability to communicate disappears. It becomes obvious that the other party has no desire to communicate. Even when simply expressing the facts from your point of view to try to reach a mutual understanding of events. When name calling and belittling or demeaning words are used, the one being yelled at shuts down and no longer trusts the other party. It is a form of abuse and can't be tolerated for long without inflicting serious damage to the one on the receiving end. Words and phrases such as "worthless," "ungrateful," "unappreciative," "selfish," "you don't care about me," or "how dare you tell me about your stresses when I have so much going on! How dare you add to my burdens!" are not helpful. They assign blame to the one being talked to and sever the lines of communication and trust. When it happens repeatedly over time, relationships are eventually destroyed and there is no desire to repair them.
The thing that is the most helpful, and which I love that Elder Zwick points out, is how important it is to ask sincerely, softly, and kindly, "What are you thinking?" This opens up dialogue to discuss fears, dreams, anxieties, joys, etc. The answer to that question can lead to stronger bonds built on trust. You are giving the questioner access to yourself and arming them with the weapons to hurt you should they choose to wield them. When this question is asked in anger laced with judgement, it shuts down any feelings of trust and love.
Coincidentally while I was reading and pondering this talk I came across an opening segment of "The View." I transcribed what Troy Dunn said because I thought it was applicable. You can substitute any type of relationship for the word marriage and it all applies.
Troy Dunn, The View, 25 April 2014
He was the guest co-host and was asked about his book “Family: The Good F-Word” during the opening segment.
“Any time we have an argument--which is normal, by the way--Any time a couple says to you, “Well we have never argued,” I would say there’s senility or they’re just not speaking. Because everybody has arguments in conversations. But, if after an argument, you head off because you’re very angry with your partner and you head off to talk to your sister, you talk to your mother, you talk to your best friend. And you vent... you’re really damaging your relationship and I’ll tell you why. It’s just like when you’re really hungry and you grab the first thing you see. It satisifies your hunger but does nothing for your nutritional value. You go vent to your best friend you feel better but you’ve done nothing for your relationship. ...in the process of doing that--well, because you are only having temporary feelings--but you have permanently damaged your best friend’s vision of what your partner is like.
(When asked about the silent treatment.)
That’s just grown-up pouting, is what that is. The silence is great in certain parts of your life but in your marriage there is nothing better than the sound of conversation. There’s no possibility--zero chance--of solving a problem through silence.
(When asked about bringing bad habits into a marriage.)
Absolutely, because we’re all human and so we come with what we’ve got. And the idea is to build a relationship where I help make you a better person and you help me become a better person. Because everything you say does something and everything you do says something.”
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