Living with PTSD: Pt. 2

Most people think that PTSD only occurs after one huge traumatic incident in a person's life. I learned last fall that more commonly it occurs when there have been multiple traumas in a relatively short period of time in a person's life. Most of those diagnosed with PTSD are women. I'm not sure if that is because women are more likely to recognize that something's wrong and seek help or what. It is a difficult thing to describe to people.

For me, it was one thing after another after another and I had no break in between to reload my water bottle. I've had people offer suggestions of how to get better and they have not helped. Telling someone who is going through a serious crisis that they will feel better if they do something for someone in need is like telling a drowning person they don't need the life ring you're holding but rather to go help the person drowning next to them. Either way one of the drowning persons is not going to make it. (Look at Titanic: Rose killed Jack.)

Yesterday morning I found a visual that helps to describe how I feel.

Cora is alone with a crying baby and only has so much ammunition to fend off the dingoes. But what if they kept coming after she ran out of ammo? She throws fire at them.
And if they come back again? She throws sticks.
And they come back again? Rocks.
And they come back again?
And again?
And AGAIN????

This is how I feel. I don't have any more ammunition and have had no time to reload or recoup or rethink or plan again. I know some people will read this and think, "Oh, boo hoo. Who hasn't had those moments when they've thought that?" or "What makes you so special that you can't deal with stress?" It's not that I can't deal with stress or trauma; it's that the body and brain can only sustain a certain level of stress over a specific amount of time. When that is prolonged and suspended it's too much and the body and brain start to shut down to the basics. And it's different for every single person.

The problem with PTSD is that you have things that happen in life that trigger memories of the event or events and you relive them. The survivors of the Titanic couldn't handle large crowds at sporting events. They said the cheering sounded like the screams of the dying from that night and they didn't see the fans but the waves and the people falling from the boat. There are similar instances recorded from survivors of 9/11 and war zones. The triggers are specific and very unique for each individual.

I'm still learning what mine are. It's difficult for me to leave the house. I don't handle loud noises well at all. Noises in the house at night that I can't identify cause me to turn on all the lights in the house and search every room. Another person wanting to talk to me in private causes me to panic. People who have known me my whole life would not recognize me by this behavior. Some times I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. That is the hardest thing for me. I understand that my behavior is not me and not rational and I don't know how to fix it.

In three weeks I have to move out of my house. It has been rented to someone else. As of today, I know that my brother will let me sleep on his couch if I can't find someone to rent me a room. If I didn't have him...I would have nowhere to sleep come 1 June. And again?