Invisible Hula Hoop: A Lesson in Conversational Proxemics

To paraphrase my cousin-in-law: "There is an invisible hula hoop surrounding me. Please respect the hoop and don't hug me. I like my personal space. My family doesn't hug." I feel this same way as it applies to hugging as well as questions people feel they can ask me. For future reference, here is a list of questions you should not ask someone unless you have known them for five years or are contemplating joining your life with theirs.

1. How old are you?

Really?! You think it is okay to ask me my age?!?!?! What the heck?!

2. Are you dating anyone?

In certain instances this question could be okay. It is an innocent question, but if you ask, I burst into tears and say, "No," please re-think asking the next few questions. Also, that I burst into tears should clue you in to the fact that you shouldn't have asked me the question in the first place and should refrain from asking anyone else you might meet in the future.

3. Why aren't you dating anyone?

If I knew the answer to that question, I would write a book, make millions off of royalties and never have to leave the house again. They would call me eccentric and people would want to be like me. I could spend my money designing and making quilts and other objets d'art. If I knew that answer, I would know the answer to life, the universe and everything. But I have no answer to this question and once again, if I am crying as you ask me these rather personal questions, do not, NOT! continue to ask me more questions!

4. Have you thought about moving?

Everyday for the past year! Is that really any of your business? This, in and of itself, is not a bad question. But when conjoined with the first 3, not helping the awkward conversational situation.

5. Do you think if you moved you might meet more single people your own age?

I have no clue how the view from my front porch changing would help my social situation. And once, again, how the heck would I know?! Inside, I am screaming, "PLEASE! Stop talking to me!" Outwardly, my face has frozen in shock and I can't make myself wake up from the nightmare in which I find myself stuck.

6. Why don't you just ask a guy out?

This I do have an answer for: I have tried this, ONCE, and I am still not sure what happened. Plus, there is a tiny, large part of my inner girl-y Disney induced, anti-FemiNazi self that really wants a guy to want me. As in desire to be in my presence, talking to me, getting to know me and plan ways in which he can do this. It would be so nice to get a call on the phone, or an email, and be asked to go do something that I didn't plan or have to clean up after. That hasn't happened in a long time, but I think I am in a position to get over the shock quite quickly.

Where has basic etiquette gone?! I know that we live in a culturally diverse country, but really, people, some things cross my invisible hula hoop. Back away slowly and no one gets hurt. Oh, and why did I sit through all these uncomfortable questions? I was stuck, waiting for something, contemplating the meaning of life and my individual place in the universe at a place that is very sacred to me and others. I didn't want to disturb anyone else by running, screaming, down the hall like a madwoman on her way back to Bedlam. Plus, if you wait long enough, give one word responses, and cry, people eventually get the blatant hint and leave you to sob in peace, confident that they have enlightened your mind to a matter heretofore unknown to you. There's not enough Motrin in the world to make that kind of throbbing pain go away.