The Joys of Motherhood

Somehow I got roped into helping potty train a 2 year old. Now, in my humble, childless, unwed opinion, shouldn't the child tell you when she is ready to put on the big girl panties and use the big girl toilet? For example, one day said child wakes up and thinks, "I have no desire to wear a diaper anymore. I realize that my bladder is full and am going to go pee-pee in the toilet." As this thought has formed and become an idea an action therefore should take place, i.e. the child calmly runs to the bathroom, takes off her diaper, climbs onto the toilet and does her business. Rinse, lather, repeat, and so forth. And, voila! Potty Trained!!

In reality, this does NOT occur. She runs up to me, tells me she needs to go pee-pee, and then proceeds to go--regardless of where we are in the house. We almost made it to the bathroom one time. This is what occurred.

L: "Em-MAaa, potty NOW!" dancing around doing the pee-pee dance.
Me: "Okay!"

I pick her up like a football and run as fast as I can towards our goal: the bathroom door. But we are blocked by the already potty trained 5 year old, who recognized that she also had a sudden urge to use the facilities. L and I spin around and pull a "Hail, Mary!" running for the master bathroom. As we reach the bedroom door, we are too late. I'm still running though because she was getting on the toilet no matter what. (And also because I didn't realize that she had lost her ability to hold it in those precious 3 seconds.) I sit her on the toilet, just in case, and proceed to clean the carpet of the master bedroom.

L is so enthusiastic about the IDEA of use the big girl potty that she now throws tantrums when we put on her special "night-time" panties to take a nap. A 20-minute tantrum where feet were kicked against the bedroom door and angry screams were issued ended in a victory for the adult. (And the adults rejoice: "YAY!!") I went in, soothed her, told her a nap was not a choice and that she had to stay in her crib. I laid her back down, heels were drummed on the crib mattress, and 5 minutes later, peace once again reigned in the valley.

A few days later....

We never made it to the potty. Every time I asked her if she needed to go, she said no. When I suggested she just try and put her on the potty, I was told,

"No, Em-MA! I no need potty!"

2 minutes after these incidents, every time,

"Em-MA! Potty NOW!"

And then she either proceeded to pee on the floor or proudly sit on the portable potty and kick off her already wet panties. I am left hunting for the "scene of the crime." I need one of those black light devices because stepping in wet spots, while effective detection, leaves a great deal to be desired. Eventually, I put her and her sister in the bathtub. Actually, I think this whole business might be a bit easier if we potty trained in the backyard with no underwear. There would be no dirty laundry to wash and if there's an accident, no worries, we have a garden house with which to implement a makeshift bidet. Too bad it's so bloody hot no one can stand to be outside when the sun's up.

And the adults scrub the carpet and watch the clock, eagerly anticipating bedtime. Maybe tomorrow we shall see another victory for the adults. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Welcome to being a grown-up.