Touchstones

In 1955, my grandparents built and moved into the home our family lived in until my mother moved the family in 2007. No matter where I was in the world I always knew I had a safe place to go where someone would love me and take care of me. The phone number never changed and, since my parents moved 7 times by the time I was 14, it was the first phone number I remember memorizing. I knew if I dialed it one of my grandparents would answer and within mere seconds I would be in touch with someone who cared about my welfare and well-being. For 52 years, if you shared my last name you knew where you could go.

When my mother decided to move it never occurred to me that it would feel like the rug had been pulled out from under my world. Brother #1 called me in between classes at Texas Tech and told me to call the house phone. I didn't understand why but humored him. I dialed the number I had dialed for 20 years and heard, "The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please hang up and try again." I hung up and tried again. Same thing. I called my brother back, in tears, and we had a crying moment together over the phone. It felt like we were being given the news that our dad and grandparents had died all over again.

I think we all have those places or people in our lives that keep us grounded and help us feel safe. They allow us to be vulnerable and give us that sense of peace and calm that sometimes we so desperately need. When those places are gone, we feel lost until we find or create a new haven. My family home still belongs to my mother but there are strangers living there now. It is bizarre to drive down the street that's so familiar and yet know that were I to park in the spot I parked every day of high school and vacations from college I couldn't run up the front walk under the giant oak tree, open the door, and ask, "What smells so good? I'm starving."

I think we search and search until we meet people or create spaces that recreate that sense of safety and home once again. It is amazing how elusive that can feel at times. But we keep trying until one day we walk in our own doors and realize that we always had the ability to create that space on our own. We just have to feel comfortable in our own skin and confident that we are loved by those who love us, even if we can't see them every day.