Witness Protection Envy

Have you ever watched a movie or TV show where a character has either been in or gets placed in witness protection? You know the ones. They witnessed a crime or turned state's evidence to bring down some super-bad and get a new identity in a new town with a new life. I envy those people. It's not that I hate my life but it's that I don't want the one I have. I would for someone to hand me a driver's license with my picture, a new name, and a new life. To be told you can't have any contact with your family or friends and everything gets to be brand new. That sounds heavenly to me.

One of the biggest things last year and right now that severely impacted everything I have been going through is my mom. In the past 18 months she has screamed at me either over the phone or in emails that I am not worth helping, I'm ungrateful, unappreciative, unworthy of love, and deserve every bad thing that has happened to me. Every bad thing in my life that has ever happened to me is a result of my poor life choices and I should stop blaming other people for that.

I was stalked because I obviously did something to lure the stalker to me. No one would do that unless they were enticed, right? I have suffered through unemployment because it's obvious to her that God is punishing me for being unrighteous. She threw me out of her home 5 years ago because I called the police when one of my brothers assaulted me at 3AM. She told them he had hit her--which he had--and he was arrested. According to her, it was my fault. She told my aunts and uncles what I had done and their response--without talking to me--was to tell me that since I had walked out on my family I was no longer a part of the family. I've gotten emails and Facebook messages from them telling me how my obvious trials are a direct result of my making bad choices in life and that they pray I will choose to repent so God can bless me again. Not one of them ever picked up a phone to call and ask me if I was okay or needed help.

In the past 5 years my relationship with the woman who gave birth to me has deteriorated to the point that I have no desire to ever have contact with her outside of mailing her payments for the money I owe her. And it has hurt my siblings which breaks my heart because I have no desire to hurt them in anyway. But I find it difficult to remain in contact with them because it puts them in the middle of a situation that is uncomfortable.

I talked with the counselor last summer about the situation and he told me it was okay to sever ties with people who have no desire to praise us or urge us to succeed. You wouldn't encourage your sister or a good friend to stay in a relationship with a man who beats her so why would it be okay to stay in a relationship of any kind with anyone who thinks it's okay to constantly tell you how worthless you are and who demeans and belittles you? Abuse happens as adults in relationships outside of romantic ones.

I am not responsible for the words my mother chooses to speak just as I am not responsible for my brother's actions that led to his arrest. I am responsible for how I react to those situations and choices.  I didn't ask or do anything to invite a stalker into my life or home and I am trying to learn how to make better choices because of that circumstance. I didn't ask or choose to have medical problems this past year and if God was kind and answered my prayers he would take all this away from me but he hasn't. I could self-flagelate and spend hours on my knees praying for forgiveness for every real and imagined sin or transgression I have and it doesn't guarantee that every bad thing in my life will be miraculously fixed.

Things happen in life because of our own personal choices, the choices of others that impact our life, and just plain life is a test. We are give the freedom to make our own choices but we have no such promise over the consequences of those choices or how they impact us individually or others in the world. I don't blame others for all the bad things in my life but I do know that because of the choices of others bad things have happened to me. I'm dealing with the aftermath of a lot of those choices compounded by a shrill, angry voice of the woman who gave birth to me playing in a loop in my brain telling me she thinks I'm worthless, unloveable, ungrateful, and undeserving.

I have no desire to ever end my life. For one thing, I don't like pain and could never inflict physical pain purposefully on myself. But, I sincerely envy those who are placed in witness protection. I don't hate my life or myself, I just want a new, different one. I want to believe people when they tell me they love me because I honestly don't anymore. The words no longer have any meaning for me because the actions associated with them have only meant the opposite.